Gus' Poetry Hour Starring High School Gus, Poem 2

I call this one, "Well, Someone's Gotta Die." 

Shadows reign across the land.
All I own you hold in your hands.
Sand falls like hail from your delicate fingers.
All that I realized it still malingers.

Fragile bones, so brittle and twisted,
Devouring all I hope to be resisted.
The hourglass of hope, full of light,
Now fill itself with the darkness of night.

And still I sit, watching you burn,
Seeing your mind and soul twist and turn.
Scream out loud, the Gods cannot hear you!
Deny them the sacrifice fit to be true!

The clouds become black, so fitting now,
That you've rebelled against the why and the how.

Stare me down,
I'll make you drown
In the footsteps of pain,
Where you will grow insane,
And cry for the blood red sky. 

Gus' Poetry Hour, Starring High School Gus

For your viewing pleasure (or for laugh-out-loud hilarity), here is a poem from a journal I kept during High School.

None of these are titled so I'm gonna make up titles as I post these. 

Something about Ham.  

Teach me what you've learned.
I'm just a bit concerned
You have a short time to teach.

Your life is simple and plain,
But mine is hard to contain. 
I've got a short time to learn.

I can't understand what you say.
You've mumbled every word today.
We've got a short time to see.

Anger begins to scorch my eyes.
Now you're teaching little white lies.
We've got a short time to live.

Panic hits me hard in my chest,
You are full of shameful unrest.
Life gave up on me. 
You on the other hand, laugh.

You can still see. 

Flat Earth Society endorses all of the GOP Candidates

The Flat Earth Society, a ragtag group of conspiracy theorists who believe the earth is flat, endorsed every single GOP candidate still running for President of the United States.

An example of what the Flat Earth Society considers the earth to look like. Really.

A statement on their website reads, "When it comes to our beliefs that the world is flat, our society depends on a complete lack of evidence, gigantic gaps in logic and a steadfast refusal to accept scientific reasoning.  Like our society, the remaining candidates running for the Republican nomination deserve our respect and admiration for their steadfast ability to stick their heads in the sand and hide from the truth. As such, we are endorsing all candidates left in the race.  Like our society, they have shown a great respect for ignoring scientific and economic evidence when it comes to issues such as climate change, bringing back the gold standard, and reviving a stagnant middle class.  By endorsing all of the candidates, we hope they will highlight the importance of showing the rest of the world that the earth is, in fact, flat.  We hope the eventual nominee will remember our endorsement when they take office in 2013."

When asked about the endorsement, the remaining candidates had differing responses.  Romney contradicted himself when answering the question.  Romney: "Though I believe the earth is a sphere, I can see the importance of showing other sides of an argument.  So, you know, if we can prove the earth is flat that would be great too.  There's one thing I believe, and that is that the earth may be flat when it's politically convenient....I mean, I'll release a statement later about this."  Romney was then pulled away by one of his handlers.

Gingrich was far more emotional with his response.  "How dare they question my marital habits!" Gingrich said in a burst of anger.  When the confused reporter mentioned his question had nothing to do with his three marriages, Gingrich called the reporter a "liberal jerkwad," and stormed off to go meet his mistress for lunch. 

Rick Santorum was happy to have the endorsement.  "Frankly, science has gotten its greedy hands into all of our beliefs," he said.  "I believe in Intelligent Design, and I also believe that the earth is flat.  Science needs to get its mitts out of religion and allow us to believe in the nonsensical ramblings of people who were around during the time when Jesus rode dinosaurs."

Ron Paul was the only one who rejected the endorsement outright, saying it was a states issue to decide whether the earth is flat our spherical.

Romney confuses working-class people for zombies

BRAAINS FOR PRESIDENT.

In a serious gaffe, GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney confused zombies, the brain-eating undead, for common working-class people at a campaign stop in Concord, New Hampshire.

"When I was growing up, you know who cleaned my bed?  Zombies.  Who cleans my multiple homes and gigantic estate?  Zombies.  It is great how zombies can work menial jobs, like cashiering and dry-cleaning.  Zombies have an innate ability to ignore the scum and the smell of sewers.  They shine my shoes.  They chauffeur me around and serve me food on plates.  They are a vital part of the American way."

When reporters asked if he really thought cashiers at grocery stores were zombies instead of middle and lower-class individuals, Romney scoffed.  "Of course they are zombies.  No regular American would do such jobs.  I'm one of the people after all, with the amber waves of grain, and all that.  Now, if you'll excuse me, my butler is feeding me white truffles with roasted shark fin soup for lunch." 


"Romney is so out of touch with the American people," said Cindy Shelton, a 40-year old cashier who works at a local grocery store in Concord.  "I mean, seriously?  I'm not a zombie.  It's insulting to those of us who have to work long hours to pay the bills, and to zombies."

Grover Cleveland's zombie, who is running for President under the Zombie Libertarian Brain Party, sent in a statement to our office.  The letter, poorly written, had the word "brains" spelled out in in various fonts and text sizes.  It appeared the letters were written from blood.  A call was made to Grover Cleveland's office, but either a bad connection or a zombie eating the phone made getting a proper statement impossible. 

It will be interesting to see if the latest gaffe will hurt Romney's attempts to win the nomination. 

Rick Santorum on Climate Change.

Rick Santorum, with the Sister Wives to the right.

Rick Santorum, surging in the polls in Iowa, made a bold prediction concerning climate change.

"Listen, all this nonsense about climate change is just a bunch of baloney.  Every year on Groundhog Day Punxsutawney Phil will either see his shadow, or he won't.  His great insight provides us the tools needed to either prepare for three more months of winter, or prepare for flip-flops and suntan lotion in April.  Punxsutawney Phil is, of course an instrument given to us from God, so he can never be wrong.  I firmly believe Mr. Phil provides greater insight to what's happening to our climate than so-called 'scientists' do." 

When the reporters snickered, Santorum continued his tirade against climate change.  "Laugh all you want, but God wants us to build industries that inspire Americans to great things.  Protecting the environment is going against God's plan.  Listen," Santorum quietly said, motioning for reporters to come in closer, "God spoke to me last night, in a vision.  God said, 'Let every American drive a big truck, and let every truck have Truck Nuts as a sign that they are good and great Americans.  And let the great Groundhog continue to be the cornerstone of predicting the climate.'  Amen." 

A press secretary then ushered Santorum off the stage. 

Punxsutawney Phil.  He doesn't drive angry.

Punxsutawney Phil could not be reached for comment, however his team did provide a press release.  "Though we appreciate Santorum's belief that I am godlike, no moron should take my 'predictions' seriously in some sort of strange attempt to quantify their lack of respect for the scientific community concerning climate change.  Let me handle bizarre local festivals held in Pennsylvania, and let the scientists who actually study this shit do their damn job.  See you on February 2nd!"


We will update you on any other happenings concerning this story as we get closer to February 2nd.

Obama doesn't mention Santa Claus in latest speech

Canadian police file picture, arrested for DUI in 2007

In a speech given to adults concerning the importance of family during the holiday months, President Obama forgot to mention Santa Claus.

"As a reminder, with the economy still struggling, it is best to remember how important family is during these troublesome times," Obama said during a recorded speech to families in need.  "Always donate your time and goodwill to not only your family, but to those who may not be as fortunate as you.  Everyone have a happy holiday season!" 

Immediately reporters seized on the lack of mentioning Santa Claus.

"It's reprehensible that President Hussein Obama would forget to mention the holy man himself, Santa Claus," Rush Limbaugh warbled during his own radio show. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that Obama doesn't believe in Santa Claus!  We can't have a black...I mean, a President who doesn't believe in Santa Claus!"

Glenn Beck provided his own theory during his radio show.  "Obama killed Santa Claus," Beck said between bouts of crying.  "He killed Santa Claus when he killed the free market with his health care plan!"

Despite the faux-controversy, most people did not seem worried about the omission in the speech.

"I'm fine with it," Alex Kingston, a 29-year old from Austin, TX told an ABC reporter.  "Santa never got me anything I wanted anyways.  Always damn socks."

Others were not so sure.

"I can't support a President who doesn't believe in Santa," Jerry Hauganuss said during a survey.  "I mean, what's next?  Not believing in a bicameral legislature and a judicial branch of government?"

When contacted for questions concerning the controversy, Santa Claus himself had a short and explicit answer.

"I don't give two flying fucks what President Obama believes," Mr. Claus said, annoyed by the whole issue.  "I've got shit to do, and the last thing I need are some damn stupid people making an issue out of nothing and wasting my time with annoying phone calls.  Now, goodbye!"

Also of note, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich also failed to mention Santa Claus in speeches given during the holiday season.

Oh Newt.. the gift that keeps on giving

"Hey, poor kid!  Clean your own damn school toilets!"

So I'm sneezing out my sinuses and coughing up my lungs tonight, so for shits and giggles I made my way to CNN. 

I came across this gem: 

Newt calls child labor laws "truly stupid."

If you read the whole article, you'll see that Newt believes poor children under the age of 16 in poor neighborhoods should be helping clean their schools.  Get rid of the janitors (and their unions, of course) and put kids in situations dealing with nasty chemicals and fishing whatever kids flush down the toilet. 

Now, I can't claim to be a genius, but this is pretty stupid. 

A couple reasons:

1.  The janitors working in those poor neighborhood have families to feed, too.  You would put them out of work so a child can learn the great skill of scrubbing toilets?

2.  Rather than improving schools in poor neighborhoods, or helping kids with athletics/educational after-school activities, you would rather show them the importance of never rising above the life of a janitor. 

3.  Child labor laws have existed so that children could not be used by anyone to do labor that would put the children in danger, or work when they should be learning.  

I think I understand it now.  Republicans want to drag down any progressive movement in society and take us back to a Golden Age where capitalism ran amok, and children were hired to be "grease monkeys," who would crawl into tight spaces in big machinery to fix the machines (and sadly, many children died in those machines). 

That's right.  Newt wants us to go back to the Industrial Revolution. 

I am starting to wonder if the Republicans are just trolling the American people.  They have to be.  No one could be this stupid.

Oh, wait.  According to my brother (whose blog is www.brettcottrell.blogspot.com by the way), they are. 

Gus