The thrill of the trails.

Trails have minds of their own.  They are truly the ones in control.  All the constructive devices that are set to control you while careening through the scree and brush mean nothing when the trail decides you've had a good run, and it is your turn to feel its true nature.

When the first accident happens, and you fly off your bike and into the scree, scraping your knees, legs, and hands (thank goodness for gloves), slamming your shoulder into the tough ground, you quickly realize that all the caution in the world means nothing when you are at the mercy of the trail.  The trail is the god here.  The trail is what determines your will.  The trail is what makes your bike nothing more than the vehicle upon which you will crash.

Against significant odds, the question becomes, "Why do it?"  Because the god taunts you when you lie bleeding.  The trail is a challenge.  It provides the thrill, the danger.  Because eventually, the trail can be ridden.  The trail can respect your ability.  The trail sees your desire and thirst to ride its treacherous body of work.

And that is why we do it.  We do it because the trail demands your attention.  The trail sees your thrill, and says, "bring it on!"

Another day, I will see Rattlesnake Gulch on equal footing, and I will gain the trails respect.  The thrill of it will drive me down its steep slope again, and I will make it, even if I have to add more scars.

It is the thrill that drives us down the trails.

VERY rough intro to a new story idea.

Stanley Jenkins was in trouble.  He just didn’t know it yet. 

Wait.  That’s a lie.  He knew he was in trouble.  He just didn’t know who would kill him first. Both the Crocs and the Gators wanted him dead.  The Crocs wanted to kill him and eat him, and the Gators wanted to feast on his intestines first before killing him. Since Stanley had an adverse reaction to the whole death thing, he did the only thing his cowardly and meek soul knew how to do.

He ran. 

He’s sitting at an airport right now, in fact.  He’s left behind every aspect of his life in order to escape the situation he found himself in.  His girlfriend, his dad, his three-headed talking dog, all left behind, thrown away at the need to survive.  About five minutes ago he bought a shuttle to Saturn IV, an outpost near Saturn’s moon, Titan.  The outpost is a great hiding place for those smuggling meat into the Solar System.  It’s also a great place for people to hide when being chased by angry reptiles with weapons and an insatiable hunger for killing those who they believe wronged them.  It also has a wonderful space resort, with the best space racquetball court in any nearby galaxy.

Sitting in his chair, watching the holographic news anchor drone on about stock prices, the rising cost of fresh fruit, and the failed attempt by religious cult to blow up Mercury (it offends their god for some unknown reason), he attempts to look nonchalant.  His blue eyes have been replaced with dark brown eyes, done through a black-market surgeon.  His mustache was shaved off, and a scar was manufactured across his upper lip.  He is wearing a beanie to hide his balding head.  He attempts to eat his chocolate chip cookie-flavored snack ration, but it appears his nerves are not allowing any food to go down without a serious case of heartburn. 

A Great Dane sitting next to him sniffs the snack ration.  “Hey Human male,” its vocal modification system says with a hint of a British accent, “Are you intending to eat that snack ration, or may I partake of its delicious flavor?”  Stanley tears open the snack ration a little more then hands the ration to the dog.  “Most obliged, good sir,” the dog says before shoveling the entirety of the foil-wrapped mush into its impressive maw, swallowing the ration and the food in a few chews. 

“Attention, passengers of Shuttle flight 16540 to Saturn IV,” the robotic voice of some long-dead celebrity dispassionately comes on over the loudspeakers,  “Your shuttle has been delayed for the following reasons.”  Another voice, male perhaps, comes on then to offer the explanation for the delay.  “SEVERE EXPLOSION IN FUEL TANK 6.  HELP! HELP! AGGH! (which is then followed by ten seconds of static).”  The nice robot comes back on air.  “We apologize for the delay.  If your flight is to connect to the RFT (short for Really Fast Travel) hub in Saturn, we will attempt to route you to the hub on Pluto.  If you are running from someone or something other than law enforcement, please see the ticket office for further assistance.  If you are a normal passenger, please see the ticket counter for a voucher for another shuttle.  Thank you for using Escape Airlines!” 

Stanley looks up, as if the speakers are actually talking to him directly.  He stands up and shuffles over to the robotic attendant, his already tightened jaw compressing in growing frustration. 

I have to get myself out of this, he thinks to himself.  I can’t let the alligators or the crocs win.  Too much is at stake. 

The robotic attendant, an X-34 model created by Escape Airlines before the great Robot Revolution 20 years ago, sees Stanley walk into its view.  In order to not make humans feel awkward next to the robots, the X-34 models were created to look like gigantic yeti-like creatures, with shaggy black fur and everything.  Eight feet tall, sharpened teeth and a menacing mug had the opposite reaction to what the designers had intended. 

Turns out, robot designers need to get out once in a while and see the world.  Oh, and companies need to stop hiring insane designers who believe yetis are some sort of status symbol to adhere to.  That would help as well. 

“How can I help you, human?” the robot growls, its animatronic mouth moving in non-realistic fashion as spittle flies from its furry lips.

“Yes, my flight has been grounded, and I need another ticket,” Stanley says, removing a touch of yeti spit from his chin. 

“What is your name, human?”

“Stanley Jenkins.” 

The yeti robot’s comically large eyebrows furrow in concentration.  “Processing…PROCESSING!...Jenkins, Stanley, ID # 444-555-7898, from Salt Lake City, Utah.  If this is accurate, please say so.”

“That is correct”

“ERROR,” the yeti yells.  “What is correct?”

“Your previous statement,” Stanley says the frustration of the whole situation growing readily apparent in his eyes. 

“ERROR.  The last statement this robot said was ‘ERROR.’  Please elaborate.” 

“Okay, let’s forget it.  Let’s just start over.” 

“ERROR.  Starting over is not possible with this model.  Starting over tends to cause a rapid deceleration of this robot’s nuclear core, annihilating everything in a three-block radius.” 

“Go back to verifying who I am then,” Stanley says wiping off another round of yeti spit. 

“ERROR. This robot does not know how you are.” 

Stanley threw up his hands in anger.  “Piece of shit yetis!” he yells as he kicks the yeti in what would be a yeti groin if yetis existed (which they do, just not in this reality).  Quick as sound, a yeti arm thrusts out and snatches Stanley’s arm and pulls Stanley into a vicious yeti hug. 

“WARNING,” the yeti robot says, spit flying fast and furious now,  “Yeti abuse is not allowed, and is considered a crime.  This yeti is holding you because you committed a violent act towards itself.  You are now being publicly berated as security is called.  Shame on you!  Your mother must have raised you to be a criminal.  Is your father in jail?  You have no morals,” the yeti goes on giving Stanley a tongue-lashing as Stanley looks around in surprise.  Everyone is starting at him, judging him with their eyes and snouts as he stands, struggling to breathe, caught in between the vice-like furry appendages of the X-34 model. 

            To his horror, in addition to the two rotund security guards turning the corner down the causeway, a crocodile who was sitting a good distance away stands up on its hind legs, its trench coat opening just enough to reveal some sort of weapon attached to his long and scaly body.  To his right, an alligator wearing sweatpants and glasses puts down a virtual newspaper and eyes him.  The alligator bares his teeth in surprise and happiness as he starts walking towards Stanley as well, crawling on all fours in the alligator way.

            Surrounded by enemies on all sides.  Two fat security guards.  A croc.  An alligator.   And to boot, locked in the arms of a stupid yeti robot that can’t understand basic commands. 

            It is doubtful that Stanley’s horoscope for today read that his plans would be thwarted in such a way (his in fact reads, “You will deliver a gigantic pizza oven to great gig on 7^th east, you know the one with the happening jive piano…If you are reading this, help me.  HELP ME!”).  As he groans in pain, waiting for his eventual death or arrest, he asks himself a question he has asked himself again and again over the last year. 

            “How the Hell did this happen?” he groans between spasms of pain. “I just wanted to help,” he manages before the pain of a rib breaking nearly causes him to faint.

            Indeed.  How did it get to this point? 

Gus' Poetry Hour Starring High School Gus, Poem 2

I call this one, "Well, Someone's Gotta Die." 

Shadows reign across the land.
All I own you hold in your hands.
Sand falls like hail from your delicate fingers.
All that I realized it still malingers.

Fragile bones, so brittle and twisted,
Devouring all I hope to be resisted.
The hourglass of hope, full of light,
Now fill itself with the darkness of night.

And still I sit, watching you burn,
Seeing your mind and soul twist and turn.
Scream out loud, the Gods cannot hear you!
Deny them the sacrifice fit to be true!

The clouds become black, so fitting now,
That you've rebelled against the why and the how.

Stare me down,
I'll make you drown
In the footsteps of pain,
Where you will grow insane,
And cry for the blood red sky. 

Gus' Poetry Hour, Starring High School Gus

For your viewing pleasure (or for laugh-out-loud hilarity), here is a poem from a journal I kept during High School.

None of these are titled so I'm gonna make up titles as I post these. 

Something about Ham.  

Teach me what you've learned.
I'm just a bit concerned
You have a short time to teach.

Your life is simple and plain,
But mine is hard to contain. 
I've got a short time to learn.

I can't understand what you say.
You've mumbled every word today.
We've got a short time to see.

Anger begins to scorch my eyes.
Now you're teaching little white lies.
We've got a short time to live.

Panic hits me hard in my chest,
You are full of shameful unrest.
Life gave up on me. 
You on the other hand, laugh.

You can still see. 

Flat Earth Society endorses all of the GOP Candidates

The Flat Earth Society, a ragtag group of conspiracy theorists who believe the earth is flat, endorsed every single GOP candidate still running for President of the United States.

An example of what the Flat Earth Society considers the earth to look like. Really.

A statement on their website reads, "When it comes to our beliefs that the world is flat, our society depends on a complete lack of evidence, gigantic gaps in logic and a steadfast refusal to accept scientific reasoning.  Like our society, the remaining candidates running for the Republican nomination deserve our respect and admiration for their steadfast ability to stick their heads in the sand and hide from the truth. As such, we are endorsing all candidates left in the race.  Like our society, they have shown a great respect for ignoring scientific and economic evidence when it comes to issues such as climate change, bringing back the gold standard, and reviving a stagnant middle class.  By endorsing all of the candidates, we hope they will highlight the importance of showing the rest of the world that the earth is, in fact, flat.  We hope the eventual nominee will remember our endorsement when they take office in 2013."

When asked about the endorsement, the remaining candidates had differing responses.  Romney contradicted himself when answering the question.  Romney: "Though I believe the earth is a sphere, I can see the importance of showing other sides of an argument.  So, you know, if we can prove the earth is flat that would be great too.  There's one thing I believe, and that is that the earth may be flat when it's politically convenient....I mean, I'll release a statement later about this."  Romney was then pulled away by one of his handlers.

Gingrich was far more emotional with his response.  "How dare they question my marital habits!" Gingrich said in a burst of anger.  When the confused reporter mentioned his question had nothing to do with his three marriages, Gingrich called the reporter a "liberal jerkwad," and stormed off to go meet his mistress for lunch. 

Rick Santorum was happy to have the endorsement.  "Frankly, science has gotten its greedy hands into all of our beliefs," he said.  "I believe in Intelligent Design, and I also believe that the earth is flat.  Science needs to get its mitts out of religion and allow us to believe in the nonsensical ramblings of people who were around during the time when Jesus rode dinosaurs."

Ron Paul was the only one who rejected the endorsement outright, saying it was a states issue to decide whether the earth is flat our spherical.

Romney confuses working-class people for zombies

BRAAINS FOR PRESIDENT.

In a serious gaffe, GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney confused zombies, the brain-eating undead, for common working-class people at a campaign stop in Concord, New Hampshire.

"When I was growing up, you know who cleaned my bed?  Zombies.  Who cleans my multiple homes and gigantic estate?  Zombies.  It is great how zombies can work menial jobs, like cashiering and dry-cleaning.  Zombies have an innate ability to ignore the scum and the smell of sewers.  They shine my shoes.  They chauffeur me around and serve me food on plates.  They are a vital part of the American way."

When reporters asked if he really thought cashiers at grocery stores were zombies instead of middle and lower-class individuals, Romney scoffed.  "Of course they are zombies.  No regular American would do such jobs.  I'm one of the people after all, with the amber waves of grain, and all that.  Now, if you'll excuse me, my butler is feeding me white truffles with roasted shark fin soup for lunch." 


"Romney is so out of touch with the American people," said Cindy Shelton, a 40-year old cashier who works at a local grocery store in Concord.  "I mean, seriously?  I'm not a zombie.  It's insulting to those of us who have to work long hours to pay the bills, and to zombies."

Grover Cleveland's zombie, who is running for President under the Zombie Libertarian Brain Party, sent in a statement to our office.  The letter, poorly written, had the word "brains" spelled out in in various fonts and text sizes.  It appeared the letters were written from blood.  A call was made to Grover Cleveland's office, but either a bad connection or a zombie eating the phone made getting a proper statement impossible. 

It will be interesting to see if the latest gaffe will hurt Romney's attempts to win the nomination. 

Rick Santorum on Climate Change.

Rick Santorum, with the Sister Wives to the right.

Rick Santorum, surging in the polls in Iowa, made a bold prediction concerning climate change.

"Listen, all this nonsense about climate change is just a bunch of baloney.  Every year on Groundhog Day Punxsutawney Phil will either see his shadow, or he won't.  His great insight provides us the tools needed to either prepare for three more months of winter, or prepare for flip-flops and suntan lotion in April.  Punxsutawney Phil is, of course an instrument given to us from God, so he can never be wrong.  I firmly believe Mr. Phil provides greater insight to what's happening to our climate than so-called 'scientists' do." 

When the reporters snickered, Santorum continued his tirade against climate change.  "Laugh all you want, but God wants us to build industries that inspire Americans to great things.  Protecting the environment is going against God's plan.  Listen," Santorum quietly said, motioning for reporters to come in closer, "God spoke to me last night, in a vision.  God said, 'Let every American drive a big truck, and let every truck have Truck Nuts as a sign that they are good and great Americans.  And let the great Groundhog continue to be the cornerstone of predicting the climate.'  Amen." 

A press secretary then ushered Santorum off the stage. 

Punxsutawney Phil.  He doesn't drive angry.

Punxsutawney Phil could not be reached for comment, however his team did provide a press release.  "Though we appreciate Santorum's belief that I am godlike, no moron should take my 'predictions' seriously in some sort of strange attempt to quantify their lack of respect for the scientific community concerning climate change.  Let me handle bizarre local festivals held in Pennsylvania, and let the scientists who actually study this shit do their damn job.  See you on February 2nd!"


We will update you on any other happenings concerning this story as we get closer to February 2nd.