Republican bill would eliminate the existence of important scientists from science texts

JEFFERSON CITY, MO - A bill put forth by a Republican Missouri state Representative would require all science classes from k-12 and state colleges to stop mentioning scientific theories and eliminate any references to some of the most important scientists in human history.

Jed Colburn, 49, a freshman Republican Representative from Higginsville and Tea Party supporter, put forth Bill 220 to stop the surge of logic and reason from destroying religious freedom.

"Listen, I can't be the only one who furrows my brow when I hear the name Albert Einstein.  Or Galileo.  And Newton?  I mean, really?  All of these so-called 'scientists' were doing work outside the realm of God.  I say we strike back at science and take away all of their findings, and wipe them from all science texts.  I mean, we can't prove Galileo even existed, can we?  Or Einstein.  Have any videos of Gregor Mendal working with his peas? Of course not.  It is ridiculous, and we should stop their influences from indoctrinating our children with their nonsense."

Suzanne Defoster, a Democratic Representative from St. Louis, could not believe what she was hearing and questioned Rep. Colburn during the Science and Education committee meeting.

"This might take the proverbial cake for being the most absurd idea I have ever heard, Mr. Colburn," Ms. Defoster said in response.  "Galileo, Newton, Einstein and Mendal are some of the most important humans in our short history.  Without them we would lose so much of our understanding of the universe, and our place in it."

"We don't need to understand it," Rep. Colburn replied.  "Trust in God and Jesus Christ, and our place in the universe doesn't need to be known."

Despite the outcry from Democratic members, and a number of Republicans, the bill passed through the committee by party lines, 6-5.  It goes on to the main floor to be debated on February 12th at 9:00 am.

Fun People in Mot City, December 14th!

                Today’s Fun People in Mot City is brought to you by Brule’ Vignion Bottled Water!  Brule’ Vignion: Water for the Rich Asshole in All of Us.

                Today’s Fun Person is Gallus, a Croc illegal wrestling manager!  Gallus has been managing illegal wrestlers now for over twenty years!  Gallus was at one time one of the most prominent and respected illegal wrestlers in the city, winning nearly 95% of his matches.  Unfortunately he was targeted by a Crime Lord one day after losing a match, losing both his lower limbs in a terrible injury.  Since illegal wrestling bans all prostheses, Gallus retired and took up managing.  He was nice enough to speak to our intrepid journalist!  Here is what he had to say.

                “So you want to know my story, eh?  I’ll tell you what I tell everyone else: this job bites Gator ass.  You have constant gang and mob pressure, as betting on illegal wrestling is what makes the mob its most money, right?  I get asked on a daily basis if I would be willing to have one of my wrestlers throw the match, which is just fucking ridiculous!  Yet if I don’t do it occasionally I get threatened.  It’s just sad, right?

                “It never used to be like this.  This profession used to be proud, filled with the best fucking athletes this city could scrounge up.  It was about the thrill!...Now it’s just about survival.  It’s about the show.  It’s about…Fuck I dunno, it just ain’t what it was.

                “Ah shit, I’m sorry.  You probably came here for a light story, some small tale about something I’ve done, right?  Well Hell, I guess I'm just not good with stuff like that, right?  Sorry about that, but I gotta go tape up some Croc claws to get them ready.  Listen, I’ll have security walk you out.  Survive Well, okay?”

Fun Fact about Mot City, December 10!

Today’s Fun Fact about Mot City is brought to you by Pfist Pork Farm and Pfarmaceutical Laboratory!  Get your mind-altering drug-addled pork loin for half-off when you say the secret code to the cashier!  The secret code is “GNARWHAL BACON.” 

Today’s Fun Fact comes to you from Bryce Vanburen, Owner and barkeep at the Bloated Carcass bar, an establishment off of 27^th Street and Fie Place in Upper Mot’s 93^rd district!  Bryce has owned this establishment since he won it during his years as an avid gambler over illegal wrestling.  Bryce was kind enough to let us know how he has been able to stay in business for fifteen cycles despite numerous attempts by outside parties to shut him down:

“Okay, so you want to know some fun fact?  Why do you call them fun facts?  You are just asking me questions.  Shouldn’t you call this electronic coffee book you’re working on, ‘The People of Mot City?’  Just a thought.  Anyway…Listen, I’ve survived because I’ve paid the right people to keep their mouths shut.  I also stopped gambling after taking over, so I wouldn’t risk putting this place on as a bet.  I also get good synthesized alcohol, brewing some myself below the bar here, and buying others on the black market.  The real stuff I have is mostly watered down, which most patrons don’t mind.  Shit, most of them are just happy to have a drink to forget they live here, so I’m happy to provide them with the opportunity to get sloshed and forget their troubles for a few minutes.  Now I have to get back to work.  We done here?”  

Fun Facts about Mot City, December 8

                Today’s Fun Facts About Mot City is brought to you by Jaeg Soda: It’s Not Poison, We Promise!  Today’s Fun Fact comes to us from a meeting with one of the Adult Club owners in Upper Mot!  His name is Preat, and he’s a Croc!  He is a forty-year old Croc who runs the (club name removed for everyone's safety: ed) with all the scars to prove it!  We asked him what fun fact he would like to bring up for this coffee table book, and here was his response. 

                “You want what now?  A fun fact about Mot City?  Fun?  What’s wrong with you?  There’s nothing fun about living in this shit-stain of a city.  Eat or be eaten.  Gun down or be gunned down.  Fun ain’t what we do here, you understand me?  It’s hard living, right?  We ain’t got nothing here except what we earn, and that aint’ much.  Fun isn’t in our vocabulary, see?  So here’s what you are gonna do.  You’re gonna let everyone know who buys your shitty coffee table book that it’s a squalid Hell we live in with no fun, you see?  And if I buy a copy of your book and you don’t have this quote in there, I am going to hunt you down and eat your intestines.   So you take your little electronic recorder, and your fancy ass camera, and get the Hell out of my face before I get really angry!”  

Clusterf**king

So I have decided there needs to be a new term for those who seek political office.

Clusterf**king.  Think about the possible uses when talking about politics!

"My name is Mitt Romney, and I am clusterf**king for the President of the United States!"

Hitler Meme agrees with me. 

"My opponent claims he didn't mean to call me a racist bag of rotten cheese, but I know he's just clusterf**king.  It's how this game is played."

"When I clusterf**ked four years ago this country was on the brink of economic collapse.  Look how far we have come!"

It can be interchanged for "running," "ran," "playing politics," among some examples.  I think we should call Fox News and get their pundits to use the same language. 

"Mitt Romney doesn't really believe that babies come from God's Tears," Hannity spewed.  "He's clusterf**king so he can relate to the moderates of this country."

When you include the idea that our political system is just one gigantic clusterf**k, it makes sense for politicians to use this term more when talking about politics.

Mitt Romney's evil twin brother confuses public, causes problems for the Romney Campaign

SALT LAKE CITY, UT - Van Romney, Mitt Romney's evil twin brother, is to blame for the recent move to the center-right of the political spectrum, according to the Mitt Romney campaign.  According to the campaign incorrect instructions were emailed and printed out for the maps to the last two debates.  The plot was so complex that even the campaign's smartphones provided incorrect directions to the debate locations, though this could easily be blamed on Apple's poor Maps application.

"Mitt Romney is still against everything his evil stand-in brother said during the last two debates," a Romney spokesperson said on CNN.  "Van has an extreme amount of wealth and power thanks to his work at Bain Capital working with Mitt." 

Doctor's reports show that Van has what is called the "evil gene" which exists in about 1 percent of all twins born in the United States.  For a number of years he was hidden from the public, his family ashamed of his abundance of evil.  He was let out long enough to graduate from high school and go to Harvard to pursue his goals to become an evil corporate genius.  After graduating he spent years reading up on how to become an evil genius before his brother called and asked him to help start a new company. 

"I taught everything Mitt knows about being an evil corporate genius," Van said during a Facetime video conference call.  "How else can you explain his actions?  I taught him to bankrupt companies and rake in millions.  Did I get a thank you?  A fruit gift basket?  A spiral ham in the mail?  No.  I didn't get anything from him.  So now, it's my plan to ruin his persona so everyone can accuse him of lying about everything he has said for the last two years.  I will not fail!"  Van then laughed maniacally for thirty seconds before petting his evil cat and ending the call.

It is not known if Van will succeed in convincing the American public of this ruse.  What is known is recent polls suggest President Obama has maintained his leads in important swing states, suggesting that Van may get his wish in stunting the political goals of his brother, fulfilling his need to be evil. 

Why I'm voting for President Obama

This really shouldn't come as a surprise to most of you.  It's no secret that I'm a pretty liberal person on social and economic issues.  I don't think there is a Republican I have ever supported, and even the one Republican I didn't mind too badly (Jon Huntsman), I think that was only because he was a moderate Republican in Utah, which is rare. 

Even with that, there are things about our current President that I am less than thrilled about:

1.  No single-payer option in the health care overhaul.  Big mistake.
2.  Not fighting enough against a Congress hell-bent on stalling any bill coming out of the President's office.
3.  Waffling on immigration reform.
4.  Not fighting for the expiration of the Bush-era tax cuts, instead extending them.
5.  Assuming the Republicans would work with him to fix this country.
6.  Not coming out earlier to support the rights for Lesbians and Gays to marry. 

There are more, but those are the main issues I have with him.  Despite that, my vote has already been placed for him, and here's why:

I don't know who the Hell Mitt Romney is. 

Is he for supporting contraceptive rights?  Or is he not?  Is he pro-choice?  Or is he not?  Is he for tax cuts for the rich?  Or is he not? 

Mr. Romney has no scruples.  He has no spine.  He may be a moderate Republican, but the fact that he bowed down-and continues to bow down-to the extreme right makes me worry.  Literally every word he says can be contradicted by an earlier version of the same man. 

Now, I know politicians are allowed to change their opinions on things.  Time allows for opinions to grow and change.  The problem I have with Romney is that he will do and say ANYTHING to get elected. 

I fear a Romney presidency for the following reasons:

1.  I fear he would strip our natural resources at the expense of our wilderness areas.  There is little left in this country that doesn't have a road blazing through it, or an oil rig spouting out of it.  I think he would open every damn area he could just because he can, and guess what?  Because oil is a global commodity that is traded, the oil companies will be the benefactors of greater supply, not us.
2.  An economic plan that basically says, "Trust in me and more tax breaks!"  I fail to see how this is an economic plan.  I have more faith in Obama's more pragmatic approach which involves more of the middle class and small businesses and less tax breaks for corporations and the super-rich.
3.  His stance on women's issues.  No offense, but I will not trust someone whose religious beliefs essentially state the woman is to stay at home and raise the children.  Not to mention the binder gaffe, his desire to shut down federal funding for Planned Parenthood and his sudden Pro-life stance.  He may claim he cares about women, but I have to question, "how do you care?"
4.  Iran. I fear Romney would have us on the path toward war with Iran, which would be a terrible mistake.
5.  His stance on gay rights.  This is pretty obvious.  A Romney presidency would probably do everything to shut down any progressive actions taken on gay rights.

There are many more reasons, but ultimately I simply do not trust him.  I don't know what he would do because he has said anything and everything in the political spectrum to get where he is.

President Obama is far from perfect, but I would much rather trust the country with a person whose intelligence is matched by his wife, who cares deeply about his daughters, and who had to overcome so much to get where he is.  He is the perfect example of the American dream at work, and I hope this country will be smart enough to vote him back in office.

Thanks for reading.  Or not.