Flat Earth Society endorses all of the GOP Candidates

The Flat Earth Society, a ragtag group of conspiracy theorists who believe the earth is flat, endorsed every single GOP candidate still running for President of the United States.

An example of what the Flat Earth Society considers the earth to look like. Really.

A statement on their website reads, "When it comes to our beliefs that the world is flat, our society depends on a complete lack of evidence, gigantic gaps in logic and a steadfast refusal to accept scientific reasoning.  Like our society, the remaining candidates running for the Republican nomination deserve our respect and admiration for their steadfast ability to stick their heads in the sand and hide from the truth. As such, we are endorsing all candidates left in the race.  Like our society, they have shown a great respect for ignoring scientific and economic evidence when it comes to issues such as climate change, bringing back the gold standard, and reviving a stagnant middle class.  By endorsing all of the candidates, we hope they will highlight the importance of showing the rest of the world that the earth is, in fact, flat.  We hope the eventual nominee will remember our endorsement when they take office in 2013."

When asked about the endorsement, the remaining candidates had differing responses.  Romney contradicted himself when answering the question.  Romney: "Though I believe the earth is a sphere, I can see the importance of showing other sides of an argument.  So, you know, if we can prove the earth is flat that would be great too.  There's one thing I believe, and that is that the earth may be flat when it's politically convenient....I mean, I'll release a statement later about this."  Romney was then pulled away by one of his handlers.

Gingrich was far more emotional with his response.  "How dare they question my marital habits!" Gingrich said in a burst of anger.  When the confused reporter mentioned his question had nothing to do with his three marriages, Gingrich called the reporter a "liberal jerkwad," and stormed off to go meet his mistress for lunch. 

Rick Santorum was happy to have the endorsement.  "Frankly, science has gotten its greedy hands into all of our beliefs," he said.  "I believe in Intelligent Design, and I also believe that the earth is flat.  Science needs to get its mitts out of religion and allow us to believe in the nonsensical ramblings of people who were around during the time when Jesus rode dinosaurs."

Ron Paul was the only one who rejected the endorsement outright, saying it was a states issue to decide whether the earth is flat our spherical.

Romney confuses working-class people for zombies

BRAAINS FOR PRESIDENT.

In a serious gaffe, GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney confused zombies, the brain-eating undead, for common working-class people at a campaign stop in Concord, New Hampshire.

"When I was growing up, you know who cleaned my bed?  Zombies.  Who cleans my multiple homes and gigantic estate?  Zombies.  It is great how zombies can work menial jobs, like cashiering and dry-cleaning.  Zombies have an innate ability to ignore the scum and the smell of sewers.  They shine my shoes.  They chauffeur me around and serve me food on plates.  They are a vital part of the American way."

When reporters asked if he really thought cashiers at grocery stores were zombies instead of middle and lower-class individuals, Romney scoffed.  "Of course they are zombies.  No regular American would do such jobs.  I'm one of the people after all, with the amber waves of grain, and all that.  Now, if you'll excuse me, my butler is feeding me white truffles with roasted shark fin soup for lunch." 


"Romney is so out of touch with the American people," said Cindy Shelton, a 40-year old cashier who works at a local grocery store in Concord.  "I mean, seriously?  I'm not a zombie.  It's insulting to those of us who have to work long hours to pay the bills, and to zombies."

Grover Cleveland's zombie, who is running for President under the Zombie Libertarian Brain Party, sent in a statement to our office.  The letter, poorly written, had the word "brains" spelled out in in various fonts and text sizes.  It appeared the letters were written from blood.  A call was made to Grover Cleveland's office, but either a bad connection or a zombie eating the phone made getting a proper statement impossible. 

It will be interesting to see if the latest gaffe will hurt Romney's attempts to win the nomination. 

Rick Santorum on Climate Change.

Rick Santorum, with the Sister Wives to the right.

Rick Santorum, surging in the polls in Iowa, made a bold prediction concerning climate change.

"Listen, all this nonsense about climate change is just a bunch of baloney.  Every year on Groundhog Day Punxsutawney Phil will either see his shadow, or he won't.  His great insight provides us the tools needed to either prepare for three more months of winter, or prepare for flip-flops and suntan lotion in April.  Punxsutawney Phil is, of course an instrument given to us from God, so he can never be wrong.  I firmly believe Mr. Phil provides greater insight to what's happening to our climate than so-called 'scientists' do." 

When the reporters snickered, Santorum continued his tirade against climate change.  "Laugh all you want, but God wants us to build industries that inspire Americans to great things.  Protecting the environment is going against God's plan.  Listen," Santorum quietly said, motioning for reporters to come in closer, "God spoke to me last night, in a vision.  God said, 'Let every American drive a big truck, and let every truck have Truck Nuts as a sign that they are good and great Americans.  And let the great Groundhog continue to be the cornerstone of predicting the climate.'  Amen." 

A press secretary then ushered Santorum off the stage. 

Punxsutawney Phil.  He doesn't drive angry.

Punxsutawney Phil could not be reached for comment, however his team did provide a press release.  "Though we appreciate Santorum's belief that I am godlike, no moron should take my 'predictions' seriously in some sort of strange attempt to quantify their lack of respect for the scientific community concerning climate change.  Let me handle bizarre local festivals held in Pennsylvania, and let the scientists who actually study this shit do their damn job.  See you on February 2nd!"


We will update you on any other happenings concerning this story as we get closer to February 2nd.