Terminator: Dark Fate Review (Spoilers)

I'll be honest on this. I was burned out on Terminator movies. Terminator 3 was mediocre at best. Salvation was both a shit show and mediocre at the same time, and Genysis was just a godawful attempt to reboot the franchise.

So what about Dark Fate? Where does it place in the echelon of  Terminator films? Is it as bad as Genysis? As good as the first two? Or somewhere in the middle? The answer is of course complicated. But first, a small rant.

David Goyer Should Be Unemployed

I'd like to kick off my review with a hot take real fast. David Goyer should not be allowed to write anything anymore in Hollywood. Or at his local theater. Or do beat poetry. The only award he should ever be considered for is the 1st Annual Stanley Tucci Look-alike Contest held at the Saturn Private Club in Pasadena, CA on December 5th.

I mean, look at this track record.

So much awfulness. 

There are some decent movies in there, but overall his stench is covered up in a number of movies by solid directors (Guillermo delo Toro, Christopher Nolan), or he only offered story beats instead of the whole script (Johnathan Nolan wrote the script for The Dark Knight, for example).

David Goyer sucks, and yet he keeps getting writing gigs. He must have Epstein-levels of blackmail in Hollywood, because that's the only explanation for why he keeps getting hired. 

Okay, now that that's out of the way...

Out with the Old, In with the Old

Dark Fate has some tough shoes to fill. It attempts to reboot the franchise, essentially ignoring everything that happens after Terminator 2. It tried to find convergence with the old standbys of the franchise by bringing back Linda Hamilton and Schwarzenegger with a younger cast, a stronger Terminator, and an even more convoluted timeline (more on the timeline thing in a bit). 

Bringing back Sarah Connor and the T-800 is risky, but it mostly works as characters. Linda Hamilton is a complete badass. Schwarzenegger is Schwarzenegger as the retired Terminator Carl who decided to sell drapes and start a family of sorts, even if some of the comedy is forced. 

For the New Kids on the Block, Mackenzie Davis shines as Grace, an enhanced human sent from the future. Natalia Reyes is fine as Dani, the next savior of mankind. Gabriel Luna is okay as the new Terminator, but nothing more than that - mediocre. This has been a problem for every Terminator since 3. I get it's hard to replace both Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick, but there's no defining moment that sticks out for this new Terminator. We all remember the terror on Linda Hamilton's face as Schwarzenegger pulls the gun out of his jacket in 1, or carves out his eye in the bathroom. We all reminisce over Robert Patrick driving the semi-truck down the irrigation ditches, or when he wags the finger at John and Sarah Connor near the end of 2. There's nothing remarkable about Gabriel Luna's portrayal or character. 

"Hey man, good destruction! What say we go get a taco?"

As for the story, the basic premise is there's a new bad AI in Town - Legion - who has the same idea as Skynet (which doesn't exist in this timeline, but does because of - well shit, we will go into that shortly), which is to annihilate mankind's resistance by going back in time to kill their leader. Dani plays mankind's savior in this timeline. And just like that timeline, the new Terminator is defeated by a power core from a future Terminator sent back to protect them - though in this case it's not a Terminator, but Grace, the enhanced human. 

I agree with my wife on something that's bugging me about this basic recycled plotline. David Goyer (ugh) could have had Dani be a future scientist who helps create the enhanced humans, or a computer engineer who creates a virus that affects Legion's communication array, allowing humanity to do surprise attacks on Legion facilities. But no, it's the same "Gotta go kill mankind's future Jesus, lol" plotline. Combine that with recycling the kill method from Terminator 3, it's clear the writers weren't keen on going too bold with new ideas. 

Despite the flaws, I actually enjoyed this movie, and it is easily my third favorite Terminator movie. Remember though, the bar after 1 and 2 is very, very low. 

Hollywood, Jai Courtney isn't going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

I Am Legion?

Replacing Skynet with Legion was a bold move, but fails in its regard to make us fear for the future. Remember Kyle Reese in Terminator 1 going on and on about his experience and knowledge dealing with Skynet and the Terminators? You pick up on the dread he felt, the frenzy of his emotions as he tries to protect Sarah from Skynet. For as much as the Terminator is the bad guy, without Skynet there is no story. In 2, the plot is about destroying Skynet. We already understand why John, Sarah, and the T-800 need to do so thanks to the setup from 1. 

Legion has no build up. We don't know anything about Legion, aside from it's an AI gone rogue. The movie's future scenes offer nothing new in terms of enveloping us in the fear that our characters should face. Think back to Terminator 2 when Sarah dreams of nuclear armageddon. Remember how that affected her, leading her to try and kill Miles Dyson. That scene is missing in this movie. Legion is just a generic AI used in cyberwarfare. And.. that's about all we know about it. 

Skynet was something to fear. Legion is not, because we aren't provided a reason to fear it aside from the new Terminator. 

What Timeline is this? 

As for this movie's timeline... it doesn't make sense. I understand time traveling in movies can operate under their own rules, but having a Terminator that was already sent by Skynet to kill John Connor before Skynet is destroyed in 2, it's just a bullshit excuse (thanks Goyer) to bring back Schwarzenegger. Think about it. A Terminator from a future that doesn't exist anymore was sent back in time to kill John Connor after they had already destroyed Skynet. 

Wat. 

And this is my biggest beef with this movie. The blending of two separate futures into one story doesn't work, and feels forced. Hell, Legion calls its hunting machines Terminators. Why? Because naming them something else would be a different franchise! 

And I'm fine with the idea of creating a new AI. I'm okay with Linda Hamilton playing a role in its future. A storyline where she protects a future scientist that reminds her of her son (who died from cancer, or hell, is still alive) from a new human hunting robot would make for a great story. Maybe she failed in raising or protecting John after Skynet is destroyed, and sees Dani as a way to right her wrongs. 

But that's not what we got. Overall, the action was good. The special effects were good. But the plot and screenplay let this movie down. It could have been a fresh re-start for the franchise, but based on box office receipts, this movie will disappear like Carl's drape company. 

...At least until someone pays David Goyer more money to write another Terminator script. 

When Assholery and Video Games Collide - Untitled Goose Game

Like so many of you out there, when Goat Simulator was released, I bought it. An open world game where you play the role of an asshole goat in an open world. Want to go ram people out of their lawn chairs? Go right ahead. Go bleat your woes at the cars coming right at you full speed? Go nuts! Goat Simulator was a wacky way to let players act out their fantasy of being an asshole without the blood and violence found in games like GTAV.

This goat won Best Tongue Award of 2017

The problem with the game was a lack of depth. Eventually, games have to be fun for replay value and enjoyment. While Goat Simulator was fun for a few minutes, the lack of depth, goals, or direction meant the luster wore off quickly. Even in a game where you can be an asshole animal to all other inhabitants, it has to be fun beyond the novelty. Well, that and the beyond shitty graphics. 

Enter Untitled Goose Game. 

Created by developers House House (literally four people down in Australia), Untitled Goose Game gets this delicate balance right. Not only can you be a raging asshole causing problems for the inhabitants of Random Village, but the puzzles can be a real challenge. The puzzles, cute graphics, amusing sound effects, and hilarious moments, and overall insanity of being an asshole make it a game worth buying. 

"You broke this vase, you jackass! Not some goose!" 

What's a Goose to Do? 

You start the game innocently enough. You wander into a groundskeeper who is going about his day watering flowers and vegetables. In a matter of a few minutes you've stolen his radio, turned on his water, took away his keys and threw them in a lake, and if you're lucky, stole his hat. Oh, and you put together the items to make a wonderful picnic lunch. 

The gameplay mechanics are simple. Honk, run, bend down to pick up items, and spread your wings. It's how you use these these controls to win the day. Honking loudly tends to get the attention of any human in the vicinity, but the second you steal something and get caught, they come running. The humans are faster than you, which means you have to time your thefts/annoyances at the right time. 

A good example is trying to take the groundskeeper's rake. You can distract him by turning on the garden's water. While he has his back turned, take off with the rake. Or, throw something else in the near pond (like his keys). While he's fishing those out of the water, take off with that rake and hide it until he goes back in his garden. Or steal some carrots for the picnic. While he's getting those back, get that rake! 

"Given a chance, I will gut you like a fish." 

The hijinks continue well beyond the garden. You run into a kid who is terrified of geese, a shopkeeper who is smart enough to always have a broom nearby to sweep you away, a man who is simply trying to enjoy his newspaper and tea, and so on and so forth. Every human brings unique goals and situations that change up the formula just enough to keep it fresh. 

When Assholes Attack

There's also something endearing about playing the literal asshole of the animal kingdom. There are plenty of open world games where you can be an asshole, but it's not engaging beyond the shock value of throwing a sticky bomb on a beer truck and blowing a small hole in a city block. Beyond the act itself, the joy fades as quickly as your life when cops shoot you down.  

But not so as a goose. You are in the webbed virtual feet of nature's real life counterpart. You are the asshole nature intended. If geese were more nefarious, I bet your ass they would steal your rake. Why would a goose steal your rake? Fuck you, that's why.

Dealing with the goose beats dealing with MLM salespeople.

That's not to suggest the game is perfect. Compared to other puzzle games out there, Untitled Goose Game is pretty simple. It's a short game - no more than 3-4 hours at most. Not a single person has a gun in Random Village (so clearly Random Village is not in the United States). Seems like that'd be an easy way to take out an annoying goose. There's also no Canadian geese, which is disappointing. As annoying as regular geese are, Canadian geese arguably take the asshole cake. 

Is the game worth it? Yes. The last time I laughed and cackled so much playing a video game was while playing Portal 2. Is it perfect? No. But if you want to enact your fantasy/fetish of being a webbed bird honking at all passerby - or if you want a funny, cute puzzle game - this game is for you. 

Star Trek Beyond Review - SPOILERS

All right, so, I want to spoil the living shit out of this movie, so I offer you a quick review of the movie for those who don't want to be spoiled:

Beyond is a fun Star Trek movie that has its flaws, but is the first movie in the Kelvin universe to succeed in feeling like a Trek episode. Funny and action-filled, Beyond is worth the price of admission despite a villain that is underdeveloped and too much shaky-cam.

For the spoiler review, click on "read more."

This Guy Gets It

This guy gets my complaints about yearly game franchises!

The Problem with Yearly Game Releases

So, let’s say you have a favorite burger joint (we’ll call it Bloody Birch’s Burger Bunker and Barbeque Barn, or BBBaB for short),  and you’ve been going there for years because they have a burger you absolutely love. It’s practically orgasmic. You moan heavily every time you take a bite, ignoring the strange looks from children and the elderly. The food fetishists give you a hearty nod and wink in approval though, so that’s cool.

Antonio Brown loves the Colostomizer!

You’ve probably eaten sixteen cows worth of meat, eating the same burger – the Colostomizer (1/4 pound chuck, blue cheese, yellow cheese, white cheese, black cheese [because you aren’t a racist], lettuce, tomato, four pieces of super crispy bacon and Colostomizer secret sauce on an toasted asiago cheese bun). But lately, you are getting tired of it, and even the restaurant seems to be getting a little stale. It’s not as good as it once was for whatever reason. Maybe you’re just getting used to it, but part of you thinks the restaurant is getting lazy. Lately the buns are dry. The meat isn’t seasoned. The lettuce is soggy. It’s almost like the restaurant is complacent. They have a new burger, but it’s not nearly as good. It uses an almond flour bun and mixes tofu in with the meat, and just tastes awful. It’s not the same anymore.

So you try out a new burger joint – The Slaughterhouse Five Burger Pad. You try the Dresden burger – a charred burger made to perfection – and you’re in love again. You leave BBBaB behind.

The analogy of burgers to yearly game releases probably isn’t a 100% match, but it certainly makes some sense. When you look at the glut of game franchises that are released on a yearly basis, there are two ways developers milk their cash cows to keep consumers playing. They either grow complacent, barely changing anything except the packaging and menus (every sports franchise, Assassin’s Creed, Far Cry to a smaller extent), or they go off the fucking rails and create a game that’s nothing like the original (Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare).

SPACE!!!!

It’s a tricky slope game developers climb when treading on known franchises. It’s expected the games will give you something new, while still maintaining a sense of familiarity. In my opinion, the problem has nothing to do with the development itself, and everything to do with the yearly release.

And I get it. If you’re a sports fan, you want the newest rosters for your favorite team, and why wouldn’t you want roster updates? If you own Madden ‘16 and you’re a Houston Texans fan, you want the Brock Lobster throwing the ball to Deandre Hopkins in Madden ’17.Lions fans may cry not having Calvin Johnson on their team though, but that’s beside the point. So what do developers do? Slap on a coat of pain and ship out the game with “updates” that cost the full price, just so players can get the updated rosters.

FIFA is another example of this. I own FIFA 15, and I recently bought FIFA 16 on sale. Their franchise mode hasn’t changed in years. It’s the same fucking thing essentially. There’s absolutely nothing different about it between the two games. The gameplay has barely changed. I will admit sports games require a gameplay that feels similar, but that doesn’t mean they can’t try and shake it up occasionally.  

Vardy points to where FIFA fans go to cry after buying
FIFA another year.

Assassin’s Creed? Yeah, they keep putting the game and story in new timelines in history, but it’s the 

same damn game. “Unlock areas of the map, stab people, hide in crowds, poison some dude, get some shops and make gold, etc.” Rinse, lather, repeat. Always, always repeat.

What about the biggest cash cow, Call of Duty? I will give credit where credit’s due in terms of changing the basic gameplay. Over the span of ten years, the game has gone from a tactical World War 2 shooter to what appears to be space battles with the upcoming game. I’m not a fan of the COD games, but I think it’s a cynical move by Activision to change the game so dramatically. It’s like they heard the complaints about stale repetitive gameplay and said, “Fuck it, we’re going to space!” The franchise no longer feels anything like the original.

So why do publishers release yearly games? The obvious answer is money. They know consumers will buy them anyway because of their loyalty to their franchise, or players want the updated rosters for their sports games. Where players once played for gameplay, now they play for remarkably cynical reasons. Activision could call their next game Call of Duty: Fuck You Players, and involve everyone fighting with rubber dildos, and it would sell millions.  EA could release a new FIFA game with the same cover, same menus, offer nothing but updated rosters, and sell millions. Wait, they do that already.

Assassin's Creed: Boredom

And that’s the problem. Players need to stop giving their money to cynical publishers who publish yearly franchises. Stop eating at BBBaB, and try new places. Ubisoft decided to not release Assassin’s Creed this year, which is a move in the right direction. It will allow Ubisoft to spend the additional time building something new and refreshing. Sports games should release updated rosters online and let the players download them. Hell, they could even charge $10 or $15 to do so, and people would be happy with that. I think this would provide developers more time to, you know, develop their franchises and keep things fresh while maintaining the core of what drew players to their games.

I’m not suggesting additional time alone will solve stale gameplay, as it’s all up to the developers to create something new and fun. There are plenty of examples of sequels that blew chunks like the kid in Stand By Me hurling blueberry pie everywhere. Something must change soon before everything is as stale or strange as the burgers from BBBaB. 

What are your thoughts? Comment below!

The Near Perfect Hunt - Bloodborne

You wake up to some old creepy dude with cheap-ass linen eye patches calling you a "Paleblood," an "outsider" or some such nonsense. He rambles on about blood ministration, giving you Yharman blood, and a contract. A contract to what? Is it a Columbia House CD contract? YOU HAVE TO KNOW.

Before you can ask which is the free CD of the month, you've signed a contract giving away your four livers (and your soul of course), and there's a blood transfusion starting. You black out to the soothing sounds of TLC.

You wake up again. Or are you dreaming? Awake? Are you an extra in a Game of Thrones episode, and Ramsay Bolton is coming to cut off your penis? Again, before you can process anything A werewolf-like creature crawls out of a pool of blood and reaches for you like an addict reaching for its next fix. Before he gets to you, he's lit on fire. Yay! Then some little demon dudes start crawling on you, trying to make out with your skin. Gross! You pass out again.

You awaken again, in some sort of clinic. You wander around, searching for any explanation as to how you woke up in Tim Burton's guest house, but before you can ask anyone for directions, or what the Hell is going on, a werewolf kills you because you interrupted its blood cocktail hour.

Starbucks has really let itself go lately. 

And that's when the fucking weirdness begins. 

Bloodborne - a game created by From Software - is the result of an orgy between an action RPG, Nintendo-hard combat, Dracula's castle, and a story penned by HP Lovecraft (safe sex was practiced of course - body condoms for all!) You're a hunter in Yharnam, an ancient city that is known for having magical blood which heals any ailment. You have been tasked with killing beasts - humans who have become infected with the scourge - during the Night's Hunt. As you slay the scourged beasts and bosses, you start to piece together what happened to Yharnam.

From is famous for creating games that are ass-punchingly difficult with storylines that are minimal at first glance, and require the player to peel back the onion to see the whole picture. In this case, the story is mostly secondary, but it involves a shitload of depth. Every item you pick up has a story. Every location has a reason for existing. Meticulous story details are hidden in the world, and it's up to the player to find out what the fuck is going on.

Some people may be turned off by this type of simplistic storytelling, but I find it refreshing. So many video games throw the story at the player's face, like a child throwing cake on its first birthday. Diablo 3 - which I love for the gameplay - is guilty of this. Diablo - "I'm evil! HA HA HA!.. Well, you thwarted me this time, but you can't possibly win that either until... well, shit, can I just give you another evil laugh and call it a day? Cool. Thanks. See you in the next expansion!"

Compared to Dark Souls 3, I find Bloodborne's story to be more engaging. Dark Souls 3's story is essentially, "Hey, these lords need to be here to light the flame again! Go get them back or kill them, lol." There's little care for the areas you are traipsing through aside from a desire to get to the next area. This is not the case in Bloodborne. I wanted to know what happened to Yharnam. I wanted to know why there are multiple hunters in the game, most of them hostile toward you. I was excited to discover where the magical blood came from, and why it harmed the humans. The dude who thought humanity's transcendence required more eyes? Yeah, what was that about? The simple-on-the-surface storyline evolves as the player moves throughout the world.

Amway salespeople have really let themselves go. 

And what a world. Yharnam's gothic architecture sprawls out across the screen. Lanterns, yellow fog windows, broken and destroyed carriages, bonfires, everything is impressively planted to give an atmosphere of a city gone to shit. The game also does a fantastic job of having wide open areas paired with sewers and narrow hallways, providing a varying array of locations within Yharnam to engage in the hunt. After getting sick of the city, You also get to wander through multiple woodlands filled with horrible creatures, and even nightmare areas filled monsters with four ballsacks on their legs. I already wrote a blog about the game's atmosphere, so I won't cover that here (read that post here.)

Dat atmosphere doe.

The game's combat system provides players a wonderful way to kill said ballsack-laden creatures. You get a gun (yay!) that doesn't do a great deal of damage (boo!), but allows you to riposte enemies (huh?). When quatro ballsack boy is about to attack you, you shoot him, stun him, and pull off a visceral attack, which is bloody fun (literally). The game's offerings for weapons is fairly small, but the weapons all act in different ways. Each weapon also has a secondary function. That cane you're using to beat people off your lawn like an old person? It's also a whip! That gigantic hammer that you flail around like Thor? Also has a short sword function in it! Neat! You can also upgrade weapons with blood shards/stone thingies you find around the game. You can also load gems in them, so that's also pretty spiffy.

"WANT SOME ESSENTIAL OILS?" "Why no, no I do not."

Speaking of spiffy, the game's armor is generally cosmetic, but it is some impressive looking threads you get to wear. There's a reason they call the game Fashionborne. That's not to suggest the different stats aren't important. There's this fucking level with a hosebeast of a baddie who keeps shining a light down, from an awful tower, triggering your character's frenzy (we'll get to what frenzy is shortly). Sure, I looked like a Goodwill Hunter, but the gear had extra frenzy resist. Saved my ass. Interestingly enough, certain armor sets change the way some NPCs react to you, so go run around and chat up the local populace in various clothes, and see what happens!

What an awful prank, to superglue that broken
grammarphone to his head.

So what about game mechanics? You know, the RPG stuff? Well, you have health. You also have Insight, which initially doesn't make much sense, but it's what's used to go into some awesome dungeons and buy stuff. Slain enemies give you blood echoes, which you use to buy more stuff. When you die, you lose your blood echoes and you have to get back to where you died to get them back. You die on the way to get your blood echoes back? TOO BAD. FUCK YOU. Lost em all. There's lanterns spread throughout the game which act as checkpoints. You have the standard health potions. When certain enemies hit you, you can rally by attacking them back quickly, and get some of your health back. This doesn't work for all enemies, so don't count on it to save your ass every time.  There's a safe house of sorts called the Hunter's Dream, where there's a human-size doll (which the game suggests has been used like a sex doll - creepy). Most of the mechanics are pretty standard fare for an action RPG.

So, I like the combat, the story, the atmosphere, and the mechanics, but there are some nitpicks to be picked. The first is pretty egregious. Your health potions aren't infinite, and also don't recharge after death. So, let's say you ran into a nasty boss with sixteen penis noses, and penis nose dude kills you repeatedly. Well, you just went through your forty health potions, sucker! You can always buy more, but if you've lost your blood echoes, well, FUCK YOU AGAIN. You have to go to a lower level part of the game and farm for health potions.

The lanterns are also annoying, because they aren't connected to each other. You use a lantern in Central Yharnam, the only place you're going is to the Hunter's Dream. This creates some groin-grabbingly annoying delays when you're trying to hop around from one area to another.

I'm not one to finish games (I'd like to apologize to Skyrim, Oblivion, Fallout 3, Fallout 4, and many others for my failure), so it speaks volumes when I complete a game. And I immediately wanted to play through the game again to get the different endings, and play the expansion. The game's brutal difficulty makes the victories that much more rewarding, and the game rewards patient players with a fascinating storyline that feeds off the game's atmosphere and creatures. If you own a PS4, you have to try this game.

Or not. Do whatever the fuck you want to do.

Why Atmosphere Matters in Games

Think back to the classic games of your childhood. Metroid. The Legend of Zelda. Super Mario Bros. Sonic the Hedgehog. E.T. These games (with the glaring exception of E.T.) won you over with crystal-perfect gameplay and solid world design. Really, that's all that was needed back then to build a fantastic game. I mean, come on, music and sounds were all completed by the only guy they knew who could play a keyboard. There were maybe twenty people who worked on the game. It was a much simpler time back then.

Fast forward twenty or thirty years. Games like Grand Theft Auto V, Assassin's Creed, Bloodborne and Dark Souls 3. These games have budgets that make small island countries jealous. With that budget (and leap forward in technology), gameplay and world design are only small portions of what makes a fantastic game. The atmosphere matters for these titles, and in a number of ways, it almost matters as much as gameplay or story.

What do I mean by atmosphere? Well, I'll give you an example. Here is a screenshot of Bloodborne (side note - Bloodborne is one of the best games I've played in the last 10 years - probably since Metroid Prime).

"Hey guys, is this the newest Pokegym for Pokemon Go?" 

Look at the littered streets, the decaying landscape. A creature is being burned in effigy surrounded by torch-wielding creatures. The sky burns an unnatural orange. The flickering flames loudly pop in your ear, as one of the creatures drags an axe almost too heavy for it to carry, scraping across the ground. As your character approaches, the scene's terror almost makes you smell the burning flesh. There is a tremendous sense of the unknown here, and you feel it, thanks to atmospheric game design at its best.

Grand Theft Auto is another prime example. As you walk through the city, people walk by chatting on their phones about useless shit. Billboards and advertisements are everywhere, bombarding you with a faux Los Angeles. The world itself pulls you in by making you feel like you are there, living the life of a Californian.

No Helmet? Dumbass.

Red Dead Redemption drew you in with a fantastic wild west setting. Assassin's Creed sets characters milling about in historical settings (though it's too bad they don't use the languages that would have been prevalent in those settings).

Video games thrive when the game's atmosphere and world are designed to draw the player in, and it makes sense that a poorly executed atmosphere can kill a game, regardless of its gameplay. Think about it. With movies, you're viewing another character's stories. Yeah, the world matters, but you're really along for the ride. When reading a book, it's all up to you to picture the character's surroundings, regardless of the author's style. With video games, you are the story. You are drawn into the world. The great game designers know the importance of atmosphere now more than ever.

That's not to suggest that atmosphere alone can save a game. The gameplay and story have to be appealing and fun as well. In this sense, Bloodborne and the Souls games are a tougher sell. Blooborne had some of the most fantastic combat I've ever had in a game, but the story was severely lacking, and it's not because it's not there - it is - but because it's not blatantly obvious. I would encourage any Bloodborne fan to watch this video

I'm sure there's nothing but sunshine and a unicorn this way.

 What other games have fantastic atmosphere?

Whatever Happened to Arya? [GOT SPOILERS]

As most of you know, I am a big fan of the book series A Song of Ice and Fire (ASOIAF) and the Game of Thrones (GOT) television show. Obviously the show-runners have run into a pickle, since Georgie is writing slower than a sloth avoiding being run over by a Zamboni. Without a guide, the show producers have had to either become more efficient with their characters, or make sudden swift adjustments to character arcs. As a writer, I found what they did with Arya this season to be lazy writing, not only because there were scenes which went against everything we know about Arya, but her overall character arc was jarring.

Stabbin' Folks with My Hobo Knife...

I'll start this off by admitting the last two ASOIAF books aren't nearly as good as the first three. Part of the problem was resetting the chess pieces, which required a build-up. Even then, Martin admitted he wrote himself into plot knots. Let's focus on Arya's arc.

Arya has seen some shit in the show and books. Her desire to enact revenge on those who have wronged her and her family drive her into the waiting arms of a strange religious cult who are paid to assassinate anyone who has the money to pay for it. They do this by literally taking people's faces, allowing assassins to look wildly different. The Faceless Men's goal is to drive away the individual and attachment to a person's previous life, something Arya struggles to give up. By the end of A Dance with Dragons, she has succeeded in her first assassination mission, but the lingering thoughts of her family and wolf dreams leave the reader wondering if she will succeed in becoming a full-fledged assassin for the Faceless Men.

With a short timeline to play with in the show, Arya becomes an assassin far faster than one would expect, but she still holds on to her previous life. She is trained by a waif who hates her (shouldn't her hatred for Arya be questioned by the Faceless Men?) Pressed with a choice between protecting someone she grows to care for or finish her mission, she chooses to save the person. Knowing the cult would come after her, she goes into hiding.

Now, here's where I grew frustrated with what the show runners did. Up until that point in the show, Arya is shown as being intelligent and a little fearless. She's a trained fighter. She can fight in the dark. She knows how to blend in with crowds, and is a successful liar when questioned who she is. She is cautious, deadly, and most of all, tenacious. She would know the Faceless Men would come after her, and the shot of her hugging her sword in the dark suggested she knew her life was in danger.

Grandma be stabbin'...

So the next episode, instead of trying to hide and quietly find passage out of Braavos, she's out in the open, tossing cash into any Braavosi ship captain willing to take on a passenger. She walks around without any fear or care, and without her sword. Stopping at a bridge to smell the air/reflect on how beautiful the sunshine is, old lady walks up to her and stabs her in the stomach. The waif was dressed as an old lady the whole time, utilizing an old lady's face to get close to Arya. Arya manages to escape the fight.

Now, here's what's wrong with this scene. The Arya we know would never do that. She wouldn't be stupid enough to go out in the open. She wouldn't go anywhere without her sword. She would be far more cautious in her plans to escape back to Westeros. The previous episode suggested she was scared, and being cautious was the best approach to take.

This scene was so blatantly anti-Arya that it led many to speculate it wasn't really Arya who got stabbed. That the Faceless Men setup the waif to see if she passes the test. That Arya was wearing a blood bag.That the waif and Arya were the same person, like in Fight Club.

In the next episode she makes a miraculous recovery from an awful stomach wound and manages to parkour her way back to her dark room, where she takes out the waif. It becomes clear Arya wants nothing to do with the Faceless Men's cult, and she is somehow given reprieve from her mentor to leave without penalty.

This is lazy writing, plain and simple. There is nothing suggesting Arya would have been that dumb. She'd survived numerous deadly situations, witnessed atrocities, and losing everything she held dear combined with everything she had gone through suggested a smart and deadly character whose only goal is revenge. Ultimately that's what we get when she kills Walder Frey, but it was shoddy writing that got her there.

Characters should be consistent. If they make a decision against their grain, it should be visible to the reader/viewer. This is something I dealt with personally with my own novel, Survive Well. I had a character make a major decision that went against everything I had written about her. It required some re-writing to make the decision more organic.

Overall the show has done an admirable job with character arcs, but Arya's was poorly done this season.

I will admit it was satisfying to see her gut Walder Frey though, so yay!

A Conversation

You know, there is no Heaven and Hell. There is no afterlife. This life is all we have.

It's cruel, right? This sudden knowledge. This is it. This limited time in a universe of possibilities, and we sit and shit and piss our way into old age and then die. Many pretend to cling to unwarranted belief systems with the hope that death is only the beginning, but it's not true.

You laugh, I see. Oh, I totally get it, this sense of emptiness as the truth sloshes into you, but I want to offer a distinction, my good friend. We understand there is no afterlife, but notice I didn't mention a lack of god, or gods. Why is that? Why do you think? Give me your best shot.

Oh, that's a good guess, but it's not true. A belief in the afterlife has been tied to the belief in a god or gods, but these two things shouldn't be connected. They should be totally separate. so the distinction and mistake so many religious believers make - and have made for thousands of years - is that an afterlife is intrinsically tied to a god.

But gods do exist. Not in Heaven, not in Hell, but here on earth. Right now. You laugh again, thinking I'm bullshitting you, but I have seen it. Seen the power. Felt it. And it's a wonderful feeling, my friend.

Magic is real. Possessions are real, not from the dead or demons, but from the gods themselves. Underground us all sits millions of years of energy, pent up and waiting for the moment to erupt.

Why do you think we have earthquakes? Volcanoes? Tsunamis? Fast food chains? Because the energy of the gods that helped create this world are underground, and occasionally they shift and belch, releasing their chaotic energy through the soil.

And soon enough, one god in particular will awaken. No one knows what will happen. Will it be angry? Happy? hungover? I'm excited to find out.

I'm rambling. Anyway, the thing to remember from this conversation, is that we all die, and that the gods that created this place are real, and still here. Tsethlekai will be awakened, and soon. Read the conspiracy blog written by Julie Brainerd, she'll set you straight.

Now, do you want anything else to go with your almond milk no foam latte with two and a half shots of sugar free sugar? A biscotti perhaps?

My Grandmother

As my grandmother nears the end of her life, memories have flooded in, cascading over the sad reality that she will no longer be with us.

Easily my fondest memory (that is also slightly embarrassing to me at least) was my first visit to Phoenix. I want to say I was twelve or thirteen years old. It was in the fall. My cousin Parker and I thought it would be smart to play football outside on a rock-and-cactus-covered front lawn. Sure enough, after a few minutes of horsing around, I managed to trip and fall backwards onto some sort of cactus. As I stood up from the cactus, everyone laughed/gasped as numerous needles were visibly poking through my jeans.

Parker and his sisters help me waddle inside, and my mom takes me into the bathroom. This is where Grandma comes in. As Mom is helping me pull needles out of my butt, Grandma is nearly hysterical.

“OH MY GOSH!” She exclaimed to everyone in the front room. “Look at his butt!” My grandpa Reed was sitting in his favorite chair, trying not to laugh, as she wanted everyone to look at my needle-infested bum. I don’t know how many people saw my behind, but she went on for quite some time about it. She made it sound like my ass was covered in a forest of needles. In reality, I maybe had ten to fifteen.

“I don’t need to see the boy’s behind, Elizabeth,” Reed laughed. Finally, my mom closed the bathroom door before more hysteria could occur. This was a classic memory I will remember forever.

There was also a dark moment of my life, when I was the most depressed and the most in need of help. I reached out to Grandma, and she gave me money when I was most desperate, and did so without question. This is the Grandma I will remember.

She always wanted to make sure I was fed. She would send me home with food. Was I comfortable? Did I need anything?

I know even as I write this, she wants me going to church and raising a family, but ultimately, she knows I am happy and content, and she can accept that.

Is she perfect? Of course not, but she is my Grandma, and she loves her grandkids with a fiery passion that is seen in how my mother loves her children and grandchildren.

She will be missed. Whatever happens after this life, I she finds peace.

The Tsethlekai Comes

The Holy Text of the Tsethlekai Cult

Note: most of these are oral stories that have been shared over thousands of years. The first written text of Tsethlekai stories goes back to 1874. Found at a Native American ruin in South Dakota, the text was highly damaged. As such, certain sections have been filled in by the Chosen Fifteen, the leading Vicar of the Cult of Tsethlekai. This version has been translated to English.

Creation

In the beginning, there was dust and death. From the dust and death came the Old Gods that molded our world.

There was Vantar-ma, the Giver. She sacrificed herself, her fiery insides spewing forth to create the land.

Win-Forsythe, the Air. His monstrous gaseous body created the air we breathe, and the water we drink.

Ploca-Norat, She Who Gave Life. She spread her spores onto the land, giving us plants.

Xiogenesii, the Provider. He spread his seed upon the earth, creating animals and man.

For (millions) of years, the world evolved and a delicate harmony was crafted. The Old Gods looked over their creation in pride.

Then came Tsethlekai the Chaotic. The swirling dust and death leftover after creation, Tsethlekai roamed the world upsetting the balance the Gods had created. Cleansing through fire and shadow, Tsethlekai the Chaotic destroyed with malice. It wanted the (world?) reborn in its image. Mountains were leveled, oceans and lakes were dried, and life was wiped out.

The Gods fought back. They forged (weapons? Creatures?) to combat Tsethlekai, but each (creature/weapon) they created was destroyed with ease. Tsethlekai grew in power with each kill. Man began to worship Tsethlekai in fear, ignoring the old God’s pleas to forsake it.

So, the Gods turned their back on their creation, powerless to stop Tsethlekai’s rise.

Tsethlekai grew bored without enemies worthy of its menace, and so it fell into a deep sleep below the ground, satisfied with its attempts to reforge the world in its image. Tsethlekai would awaken on occasion to stretch and remind us of its power, destroying again to reform the planet when it grew too prosperous.

Now, Tsethlekai slumbers, sending its dreams to us. We see its spirit rising. We feel its desire, its chaos.

Tsethlekai will awaken again, and we will prepare the world for our god’s arrival.

The (Mis)adventures of Sci-Fi Speed Dating

I recently went to Comic-Con.  It was fun.  Way too many people, but that’s how it goes when around eighty thousand people, which would equal the entire population of Ogden, Utah, decides they need to go be geeks with everyone else.  There were some serious flaws with the setup and crowd control, but overall it was a good experience.  I was able to go to a number of writing panels which I hope actually do some good. 

While I was there I saw there was a Sci-Fi Speed Dating thingamajig.  Now, initially I thought to myself, “Gus, you aren’t that desperate.  Don’t do it!”  I said this out loud next to a portly gentleman dressed as...well, I don’t know what he was dressed as.  It looked like he had decided the best costume was one involving trash bags and an overdose of LA Looks Gel on his thinning hair.  Anyway, he was munching on a churro and sort of looked at me funny.  Since it was already awkward enough, I snorted loudly and huffed away as if I had somewhere important to go. 

After talking with my friends I decided I had nothing to lose.  At best, I would meet someone interesting.  At worst, I would lose two hours of my life, hours that I could never get back, unless I developed the ability to warp time.  I tried that once though, the warping time thing.  I think I passed out and broke my computer chair and destroyed a small village in the Amazon.  It’s all really hazy. 

Anyway, I decide to do it.  Now, the first clue that I should have backed out was the notice that guys had to pay money and the women didn’t.  This sort of fit the stereotype that all guy geeks and nerds are desperate to pay cash for the possibility to meet interesting women.  I was tired though, and probably needed food, so I plopped down my ten dollars to a gentleman that fit the mold of the super overweight nerd dressed in some sort of World of Warcraft outfit.  In my head he became Captain Rotund, or Mage Rotund.  Anyway, he told me to come back in two hours.  So I wandered around some more, bought some cool art, ate a protein bar and meandered back to the room and got in line. 

So there I was, in line with a bunch of other guys down a corridor in the Salt Lake Convention Center.  It was at this moment that a second clue into the waste of time I was about to partake in came into focus.  There were no air vents down this corridor.  A bunch of guys – some fat, some creepy, some skinny, and some normal – started sweating.  To top off the clue sundae, someone ripped a fart. 

Stinky, sweaty guys trapped in a corridor with no air, and now it smells like shit.  At this point I pulled out my phone and posted something along the lines of, “Either that is the smell of desperation, or someone farted.”  To be honest, in that group of guys the smell could have easily been mistaken for desperation instead of gas. 

As I gasped for air, I started to look around at my competition.  I was dressed plainly in a pair of jeans with a t-shirt that said “The Expendables,” which has the movie cast dressed in red shirts from “Star Trek.”  I actually got a lot of positive comments on the shirt.  Anyway, as I looked around I quickly began to feel sorry for some of the women, which we could not see yet.  There was the trash bag guy from earlier behind me.  He was sweating profusely, mopping his brow with the back of his hand.  In his hand was some sort of staff or wand thing, which looked absolutely ridiculous.  It looked like he took a BIC pen and taped a bunch of cardboard around it to form a triangle, and then colored it black with a Sharpie.  There was the older guy with the creepy guy mustache and gigantic glasses wearing jean shorts, long socks and a TNG (The Next Generation) captain’s jacket.  There were the skinny kids next to me dressed as Booker from Bioshock Infinite and Batman.  There was another overweight guy dressed as.. I can’t remember, but it looked hideous. 

Now, I say this with a hint of self-satisfaction, but I am happy that I have lost a great deal of weight.  Being around these other guys reminded me of why I lost all that weight.  I started to think to myself, I am perfectly normal compared to some of these guys.  I smiled and waited for Captain Rotund to let us in. 

Finally, after suffering through a few more minutes of stench and sweat we were rushed into the room.  We were directed to take our seats across a woman and pin the nametag with a number to our shirts.  As I did so it became glaringly obvious there was no way I was going to be able to speak to all of the women.  There must have been seventy-five pairs, and you were only allowed three minutes to talk to someone.

So Captain Rotund lays out the rules and reminds guys to be polite.  He makes some awful jokes not worth remembering, and then says, “Go!” 

Now, imagine you are in a room with 149 other people who immediately start saying “HI” at the same time.  It quickly became apparent that there was going to be little talking and lots of yelling. Every conversation I had involved yelling and straining to hear the other person.  It would have been funny if it wasn’t intentional. 

I started yelling at the woman next to me, who didn’t seem interested in me at all.  Dressed in jeans and simple Star Wars t-shirt, her blue eyes couldn’t be any more annoyed that I was there. Still, I figured I might as well yell at her and start the conversation.

“HI!” I screamed.  “I’M NUMBER 24!”  She screamed back at me, and we had some small yelling about the convention.  After what seemed an eternity Captain Rotund counted down and we switched chairs.

What became apparent was that some women were not there to do anything other than stare at you and not engage in questions.  I would start by screaming a question about their costumes, or what their favorite part of the Con was.  They would answer, and then not ask me a question in return.  It was so awkward.  This is also a phenomenon I’ve noticed with meeting women from dating sites.  I’m not saying all women are like this, but it’s so damn bizarre.  Even if you aren’t physically attracted to me, at least try to have a conversation, you know? 

The worst was a really big woman dressed as Ursula from The Little Mermaid.  It took me a second to remember the name, and once I figured it out I told her that as a kid I loved that movie, but as an adult I didn’t care for how Ariel was portrayed, and that in general most female princesses are nothing but stereotypes of the bimbo girl who can’t do anything or protect themselves.  This must have hit a nerve, because her purple eyes glared at me, and she crossed her arms above her rolls.  She stopped engaging me at that point and stared around me.  Realizing I hit a nerve, I stopped yelling at her and decided to wait out the awkwardness.

There was the woman dressed as Wonder Woman who couldn’t remember if Wonder Woman was a DC or Marvel comic (a normal person wouldn’t care about the difference, but to us geeks/nerds, it matters), there was the cute woman dressed as a Final Fantasy character, the woman dressed in wings and leather, another woman in a simple t-shirt with a tattoo of some sort of squid thing on her arm, the woman who had to be in her fifties, and some others.  I didn’t find a great deal of them interesting or engaging, so I jotted down their numbers and hoped that this would end quickly. 

What I found extremely annoying was Captain Rotund’s lack of an ability to count.  I swear there were times where I only screamed at a woman for a minute or two.  It eventually felt like a chore, the screaming and the yelling.  I asked a woman who was dressed as Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock what her favorite part of the Con was, and I swear I heard, “Grabbing Q’s ballsack.”  Knowing that couldn’t have been the correct answer, but not polite enough to ask her again what she really said, I just nodded politely and responded to her question about my favorite part of the Con. 

Finally, it was over.  I had yelled at about thirty women in the span of 60 minutes.  Of those thirty, I only jotted down the dating number of about five.  The low number of those I found interesting was the realization that the more attractive women most likely wouldn’t respond to me (being brutally honest here), and the rest I had no desire to ever yell at them again.  Still, I jotted down my name and number on their corresponding dating sheet at the opposite side of the room. 

It was at this point the creepiest guy there decided to show his true colors.  While the rest of us sat down and waited to be free a middle-aged guy with a Hawaiian shirt, jean shirts and long socks was writing down his number on every single woman’s dating sheet.  I didn’t think it was possible to get creepier than the guy with the Trent Lott glasses and jean shorts wearing the TNG jacket, but I was wrong.  Everyone looked over at him awkwardly, and I cringed, feeling even more sorry for the women who might have been normal. 

To top off the awkward cake, while we were waiting for the dude to finish, Captain Rotund decided to do some “impersonations.”  I quote the word because he didn’t impersonate anyone well at all.  He called himself an amateur comedian, which would have been a polite thing to call him.  Imagine if Robert DeNiro tried to do impersonations of Gollum and other famous Sci-fi characters.  It was a complete failure. 

Then it managed to get worse.  How, you ask?  Well, I will tell you.  Someone asked him to impersonate Barack Obama.  Instead of impersonating Obama, he decided to impersonate a badly informed talking head.  He began to rail on immigration, the “Kenyan” president, and the budget.  It went on for minutes, as the crowd groaned.  The levels of awkward jumped to 11 as Captain Rotund turned into Captain Asshole.  Finally someone told him the creepy guy was done, and he finally shut up.  We were told we could pick up our dating sheets and could leave. 

So I picked up my sheet.  To my lack of surprise, there were only a few numbers and names on there.  Sadly a few of the numbers were women that I didn’t find interesting or attractive, but one the Final Fantasy character put down her #.  A woman I didn’t even get a chance to yell at also jotted down her #. 

So was it worth it?  Did any positives come from the experience?  Yes and no.  It was worth it because I get to write this blog post about it.  It was worth it because it boosted my confidence.  It was worth it because it reminded me that all the weight I’ve lost separates me from those who don’t treat their bodies like the temples they should be worshipping at.  It reminded me that I am not that awkward.  It was not worth it because nothing came from any of the numbers.  The one woman who I didn’t talk to lives in L.A., and the Final Fantasy woman was 23, a little too young for me. 

Would I do it again?  I don’t know.  If I could get down to my goal weight, perhaps.  I’m not saying that it matters as much as it used to, but it certainly helps.  Given a choice between a bunch of nerds and geeks who have similar interests, a person can choose between those who are fit compared to those who aren’t. 

If I go next year I would LOVE to dress as The Joker from The Dark Knight, but that would require a purple suit.  Maybe I can find a cheap one.  At this point I would only go to get more writing material.