Since this book will be sold throughout numerous realities, thanks to my agent who was willing to work with me to contact publishers by using a new invention, Alternate Reality Mail (ARM,) I suppose I should explain who I am, why I wrote this book, the world I exist in, and how the machine works that allowed this book to come to fruition.
To start off, the reality I exist in is one of fairly peaceful times. Corporal punishment has been outlawed in numerous countries, my country included. I live in the United States of America, a country located in the Northern Hemisphere on Earth. We have a woman President for the first time in American history, Ellen Kennedy. Her father was a successful two-term president in the 1960’s. She has become the most popular President the country has ever had, and her third term appears to continue that trend. She has brokered peace between Israel and Palestine, progressed scientific research beyond fossil fuels and normal scientific conventions, and has successfully sent Astronauts to Mars. Impressive as that has been, she has done all this while ending the partisan politics that nearly ruined the political system, kept the federal budget under control, and the private sector in check with regulatory policies. Needless to say, I am very impressed with her work so far.
I live in Las Vegas, a fairly normal city that prospers off tourism thanks to its geographical proximity to the Area 51 Alien Research, Museum and Theme Park. The drive along the Elvis Presley Memorial Hover-Byway from the park to Las Vegas is filled with alien-themed restaurants, bars, and the occasional strip joint. I went once when I was a kid, but I have not returned since then. I have heard their roller coasters are starting to defy gravity, as the Scientists discover more about the alien technology that has crashed on Earth throughout the years. They have used their inventions, along with government funding, to further the cause of science and entertainment.
Las Vegas fills its hotels with incoming visitors going to the park, and the occasional traveler that ventures into Utah, the landlocked Mormon-run country, to visit the wilderness that hasn’t been destroyed by the Mormon initiatives to mine and strip the shit out of Nature for any remaining resources. I visited a village called Cedar City once. The Mormons are a nice enough people, but their isolated nature, lack of scientific progress and religious teachings have caused them to fall behind the rest of the continent in nearly every aspect. While in Cedar City I visited a Creationist Museum, which details how the Mormons believe the Earth was created. My favorite part was the splendidly creafted set of Jesus Christ, pale and with blonde hair for some reason, riding a dinosaur with a saddle on it. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of it, upsetting the staff as I pointed and chuckled for ten minutes. Eventually they politely told me to leave. I grabbed some flyers-one titled “Why Your God is Wrong-“ and left guffawing until I reached the Nevada border.
Sorry, going off on a tangent a bit.
I studied English and Journalism at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas, graduating in 2001 A.D. I have worked as a reporter for a local free paper called the Weekly Worthless News ever since graduation. We generally report on nonsensical stories about ghosts, fabricate satiric pieces on local government, and convince readers that Vampires and Werewolves exist. It’s a fun job, but not one that lends towards award-winning journalism. I have tried to get jobs with the National Broadcasting Radio, a public radio station, and the real paper in town, The Las Vegas Gazette, but have not won over anyone yet at either place. When I heard about the machine, I threw myself into being the first reporter to use it. After all, scientists and their fellow brainiacs can’t write worth a damn when it comes to writing interesting prose. Have you ever read Brock Newton’s “An Essay on the Nature of Frogs, and their Amphibian Counterparts?” Of course you haven’t. I have, and reading it is as boring as watching bowling on television, or playing the new video game, Virtual No Life in 3D. I don’t understand how anyone can play that game, or watch bowling on television.
The machine I am talking about is the Alternate Reality Portal, which is a terrible name for such a momentous machine. They should have called it The Tremendous Reality Machine of Awesomeness. But I digress. The portal was created based on years of studying alien technology and understanding their blueprints for engines that travel faster than light, and machines that can bend reality into other forms. A major breakthrough was recently unearthed a year ago, and combined with modern science, they rebuilt and fixed the machine for human purposes. When they turned on the machine, they thought it would be some sort of fast-travel system between planets or galaxies.
Boy, were they wrong. What they created could warp you into alternate realities. Not only that, but it would track down your alternate self-if they existed in that reality-and let them know their alternate self was coming to visit!
No one understands how that is possible, but there is a lot we don’t understand about alien devices. All I knew was that I needed to use it.
So I wrote a letter to the Commission of Off-world Creations and Knowledge (or C.O.C.K if you prefer) and begged, pleaded and whored myself out to be the first non-scientist to use the Alternate Reality Portal.
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