Terminator: Dark Fate Review (Spoilers)

I'll be honest on this. I was burned out on Terminator movies. Terminator 3 was mediocre at best. Salvation was both a shit show and mediocre at the same time, and Genysis was just a godawful attempt to reboot the franchise.

So what about Dark Fate? Where does it place in the echelon of  Terminator films? Is it as bad as Genysis? As good as the first two? Or somewhere in the middle? The answer is of course complicated. But first, a small rant.

David Goyer Should Be Unemployed

I'd like to kick off my review with a hot take real fast. David Goyer should not be allowed to write anything anymore in Hollywood. Or at his local theater. Or do beat poetry. The only award he should ever be considered for is the 1st Annual Stanley Tucci Look-alike Contest held at the Saturn Private Club in Pasadena, CA on December 5th.

I mean, look at this track record.

So much awfulness. 

There are some decent movies in there, but overall his stench is covered up in a number of movies by solid directors (Guillermo delo Toro, Christopher Nolan), or he only offered story beats instead of the whole script (Johnathan Nolan wrote the script for The Dark Knight, for example).

David Goyer sucks, and yet he keeps getting writing gigs. He must have Epstein-levels of blackmail in Hollywood, because that's the only explanation for why he keeps getting hired. 

Okay, now that that's out of the way...

Out with the Old, In with the Old

Dark Fate has some tough shoes to fill. It attempts to reboot the franchise, essentially ignoring everything that happens after Terminator 2. It tried to find convergence with the old standbys of the franchise by bringing back Linda Hamilton and Schwarzenegger with a younger cast, a stronger Terminator, and an even more convoluted timeline (more on the timeline thing in a bit). 

Bringing back Sarah Connor and the T-800 is risky, but it mostly works as characters. Linda Hamilton is a complete badass. Schwarzenegger is Schwarzenegger as the retired Terminator Carl who decided to sell drapes and start a family of sorts, even if some of the comedy is forced. 

For the New Kids on the Block, Mackenzie Davis shines as Grace, an enhanced human sent from the future. Natalia Reyes is fine as Dani, the next savior of mankind. Gabriel Luna is okay as the new Terminator, but nothing more than that - mediocre. This has been a problem for every Terminator since 3. I get it's hard to replace both Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick, but there's no defining moment that sticks out for this new Terminator. We all remember the terror on Linda Hamilton's face as Schwarzenegger pulls the gun out of his jacket in 1, or carves out his eye in the bathroom. We all reminisce over Robert Patrick driving the semi-truck down the irrigation ditches, or when he wags the finger at John and Sarah Connor near the end of 2. There's nothing remarkable about Gabriel Luna's portrayal or character. 

"Hey man, good destruction! What say we go get a taco?"

As for the story, the basic premise is there's a new bad AI in Town - Legion - who has the same idea as Skynet (which doesn't exist in this timeline, but does because of - well shit, we will go into that shortly), which is to annihilate mankind's resistance by going back in time to kill their leader. Dani plays mankind's savior in this timeline. And just like that timeline, the new Terminator is defeated by a power core from a future Terminator sent back to protect them - though in this case it's not a Terminator, but Grace, the enhanced human. 

I agree with my wife on something that's bugging me about this basic recycled plotline. David Goyer (ugh) could have had Dani be a future scientist who helps create the enhanced humans, or a computer engineer who creates a virus that affects Legion's communication array, allowing humanity to do surprise attacks on Legion facilities. But no, it's the same "Gotta go kill mankind's future Jesus, lol" plotline. Combine that with recycling the kill method from Terminator 3, it's clear the writers weren't keen on going too bold with new ideas. 

Despite the flaws, I actually enjoyed this movie, and it is easily my third favorite Terminator movie. Remember though, the bar after 1 and 2 is very, very low. 

Hollywood, Jai Courtney isn't going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

I Am Legion?

Replacing Skynet with Legion was a bold move, but fails in its regard to make us fear for the future. Remember Kyle Reese in Terminator 1 going on and on about his experience and knowledge dealing with Skynet and the Terminators? You pick up on the dread he felt, the frenzy of his emotions as he tries to protect Sarah from Skynet. For as much as the Terminator is the bad guy, without Skynet there is no story. In 2, the plot is about destroying Skynet. We already understand why John, Sarah, and the T-800 need to do so thanks to the setup from 1. 

Legion has no build up. We don't know anything about Legion, aside from it's an AI gone rogue. The movie's future scenes offer nothing new in terms of enveloping us in the fear that our characters should face. Think back to Terminator 2 when Sarah dreams of nuclear armageddon. Remember how that affected her, leading her to try and kill Miles Dyson. That scene is missing in this movie. Legion is just a generic AI used in cyberwarfare. And.. that's about all we know about it. 

Skynet was something to fear. Legion is not, because we aren't provided a reason to fear it aside from the new Terminator. 

What Timeline is this? 

As for this movie's timeline... it doesn't make sense. I understand time traveling in movies can operate under their own rules, but having a Terminator that was already sent by Skynet to kill John Connor before Skynet is destroyed in 2, it's just a bullshit excuse (thanks Goyer) to bring back Schwarzenegger. Think about it. A Terminator from a future that doesn't exist anymore was sent back in time to kill John Connor after they had already destroyed Skynet. 

Wat. 

And this is my biggest beef with this movie. The blending of two separate futures into one story doesn't work, and feels forced. Hell, Legion calls its hunting machines Terminators. Why? Because naming them something else would be a different franchise! 

And I'm fine with the idea of creating a new AI. I'm okay with Linda Hamilton playing a role in its future. A storyline where she protects a future scientist that reminds her of her son (who died from cancer, or hell, is still alive) from a new human hunting robot would make for a great story. Maybe she failed in raising or protecting John after Skynet is destroyed, and sees Dani as a way to right her wrongs. 

But that's not what we got. Overall, the action was good. The special effects were good. But the plot and screenplay let this movie down. It could have been a fresh re-start for the franchise, but based on box office receipts, this movie will disappear like Carl's drape company. 

...At least until someone pays David Goyer more money to write another Terminator script. 

When Assholery and Video Games Collide - Untitled Goose Game

Like so many of you out there, when Goat Simulator was released, I bought it. An open world game where you play the role of an asshole goat in an open world. Want to go ram people out of their lawn chairs? Go right ahead. Go bleat your woes at the cars coming right at you full speed? Go nuts! Goat Simulator was a wacky way to let players act out their fantasy of being an asshole without the blood and violence found in games like GTAV.

This goat won Best Tongue Award of 2017

The problem with the game was a lack of depth. Eventually, games have to be fun for replay value and enjoyment. While Goat Simulator was fun for a few minutes, the lack of depth, goals, or direction meant the luster wore off quickly. Even in a game where you can be an asshole animal to all other inhabitants, it has to be fun beyond the novelty. Well, that and the beyond shitty graphics. 

Enter Untitled Goose Game. 

Created by developers House House (literally four people down in Australia), Untitled Goose Game gets this delicate balance right. Not only can you be a raging asshole causing problems for the inhabitants of Random Village, but the puzzles can be a real challenge. The puzzles, cute graphics, amusing sound effects, and hilarious moments, and overall insanity of being an asshole make it a game worth buying. 

"You broke this vase, you jackass! Not some goose!" 

What's a Goose to Do? 

You start the game innocently enough. You wander into a groundskeeper who is going about his day watering flowers and vegetables. In a matter of a few minutes you've stolen his radio, turned on his water, took away his keys and threw them in a lake, and if you're lucky, stole his hat. Oh, and you put together the items to make a wonderful picnic lunch. 

The gameplay mechanics are simple. Honk, run, bend down to pick up items, and spread your wings. It's how you use these these controls to win the day. Honking loudly tends to get the attention of any human in the vicinity, but the second you steal something and get caught, they come running. The humans are faster than you, which means you have to time your thefts/annoyances at the right time. 

A good example is trying to take the groundskeeper's rake. You can distract him by turning on the garden's water. While he has his back turned, take off with the rake. Or, throw something else in the near pond (like his keys). While he's fishing those out of the water, take off with that rake and hide it until he goes back in his garden. Or steal some carrots for the picnic. While he's getting those back, get that rake! 

"Given a chance, I will gut you like a fish." 

The hijinks continue well beyond the garden. You run into a kid who is terrified of geese, a shopkeeper who is smart enough to always have a broom nearby to sweep you away, a man who is simply trying to enjoy his newspaper and tea, and so on and so forth. Every human brings unique goals and situations that change up the formula just enough to keep it fresh. 

When Assholes Attack

There's also something endearing about playing the literal asshole of the animal kingdom. There are plenty of open world games where you can be an asshole, but it's not engaging beyond the shock value of throwing a sticky bomb on a beer truck and blowing a small hole in a city block. Beyond the act itself, the joy fades as quickly as your life when cops shoot you down.  

But not so as a goose. You are in the webbed virtual feet of nature's real life counterpart. You are the asshole nature intended. If geese were more nefarious, I bet your ass they would steal your rake. Why would a goose steal your rake? Fuck you, that's why.

Dealing with the goose beats dealing with MLM salespeople.

That's not to suggest the game is perfect. Compared to other puzzle games out there, Untitled Goose Game is pretty simple. It's a short game - no more than 3-4 hours at most. Not a single person has a gun in Random Village (so clearly Random Village is not in the United States). Seems like that'd be an easy way to take out an annoying goose. There's also no Canadian geese, which is disappointing. As annoying as regular geese are, Canadian geese arguably take the asshole cake. 

Is the game worth it? Yes. The last time I laughed and cackled so much playing a video game was while playing Portal 2. Is it perfect? No. But if you want to enact your fantasy/fetish of being a webbed bird honking at all passerby - or if you want a funny, cute puzzle game - this game is for you. 

Star Trek Beyond Review - SPOILERS

All right, so, I want to spoil the living shit out of this movie, so I offer you a quick review of the movie for those who don't want to be spoiled:

Beyond is a fun Star Trek movie that has its flaws, but is the first movie in the Kelvin universe to succeed in feeling like a Trek episode. Funny and action-filled, Beyond is worth the price of admission despite a villain that is underdeveloped and too much shaky-cam.

For the spoiler review, click on "read more."

This Guy Gets It

This guy gets my complaints about yearly game franchises!

The Problem with Yearly Game Releases

So, let’s say you have a favorite burger joint (we’ll call it Bloody Birch’s Burger Bunker and Barbeque Barn, or BBBaB for short),  and you’ve been going there for years because they have a burger you absolutely love. It’s practically orgasmic. You moan heavily every time you take a bite, ignoring the strange looks from children and the elderly. The food fetishists give you a hearty nod and wink in approval though, so that’s cool.

Antonio Brown loves the Colostomizer!

You’ve probably eaten sixteen cows worth of meat, eating the same burger – the Colostomizer (1/4 pound chuck, blue cheese, yellow cheese, white cheese, black cheese [because you aren’t a racist], lettuce, tomato, four pieces of super crispy bacon and Colostomizer secret sauce on an toasted asiago cheese bun). But lately, you are getting tired of it, and even the restaurant seems to be getting a little stale. It’s not as good as it once was for whatever reason. Maybe you’re just getting used to it, but part of you thinks the restaurant is getting lazy. Lately the buns are dry. The meat isn’t seasoned. The lettuce is soggy. It’s almost like the restaurant is complacent. They have a new burger, but it’s not nearly as good. It uses an almond flour bun and mixes tofu in with the meat, and just tastes awful. It’s not the same anymore.

So you try out a new burger joint – The Slaughterhouse Five Burger Pad. You try the Dresden burger – a charred burger made to perfection – and you’re in love again. You leave BBBaB behind.

The analogy of burgers to yearly game releases probably isn’t a 100% match, but it certainly makes some sense. When you look at the glut of game franchises that are released on a yearly basis, there are two ways developers milk their cash cows to keep consumers playing. They either grow complacent, barely changing anything except the packaging and menus (every sports franchise, Assassin’s Creed, Far Cry to a smaller extent), or they go off the fucking rails and create a game that’s nothing like the original (Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare).

SPACE!!!!

It’s a tricky slope game developers climb when treading on known franchises. It’s expected the games will give you something new, while still maintaining a sense of familiarity. In my opinion, the problem has nothing to do with the development itself, and everything to do with the yearly release.

And I get it. If you’re a sports fan, you want the newest rosters for your favorite team, and why wouldn’t you want roster updates? If you own Madden ‘16 and you’re a Houston Texans fan, you want the Brock Lobster throwing the ball to Deandre Hopkins in Madden ’17.Lions fans may cry not having Calvin Johnson on their team though, but that’s beside the point. So what do developers do? Slap on a coat of pain and ship out the game with “updates” that cost the full price, just so players can get the updated rosters.

FIFA is another example of this. I own FIFA 15, and I recently bought FIFA 16 on sale. Their franchise mode hasn’t changed in years. It’s the same fucking thing essentially. There’s absolutely nothing different about it between the two games. The gameplay has barely changed. I will admit sports games require a gameplay that feels similar, but that doesn’t mean they can’t try and shake it up occasionally.  

Vardy points to where FIFA fans go to cry after buying
FIFA another year.

Assassin’s Creed? Yeah, they keep putting the game and story in new timelines in history, but it’s the 

same damn game. “Unlock areas of the map, stab people, hide in crowds, poison some dude, get some shops and make gold, etc.” Rinse, lather, repeat. Always, always repeat.

What about the biggest cash cow, Call of Duty? I will give credit where credit’s due in terms of changing the basic gameplay. Over the span of ten years, the game has gone from a tactical World War 2 shooter to what appears to be space battles with the upcoming game. I’m not a fan of the COD games, but I think it’s a cynical move by Activision to change the game so dramatically. It’s like they heard the complaints about stale repetitive gameplay and said, “Fuck it, we’re going to space!” The franchise no longer feels anything like the original.

So why do publishers release yearly games? The obvious answer is money. They know consumers will buy them anyway because of their loyalty to their franchise, or players want the updated rosters for their sports games. Where players once played for gameplay, now they play for remarkably cynical reasons. Activision could call their next game Call of Duty: Fuck You Players, and involve everyone fighting with rubber dildos, and it would sell millions.  EA could release a new FIFA game with the same cover, same menus, offer nothing but updated rosters, and sell millions. Wait, they do that already.

Assassin's Creed: Boredom

And that’s the problem. Players need to stop giving their money to cynical publishers who publish yearly franchises. Stop eating at BBBaB, and try new places. Ubisoft decided to not release Assassin’s Creed this year, which is a move in the right direction. It will allow Ubisoft to spend the additional time building something new and refreshing. Sports games should release updated rosters online and let the players download them. Hell, they could even charge $10 or $15 to do so, and people would be happy with that. I think this would provide developers more time to, you know, develop their franchises and keep things fresh while maintaining the core of what drew players to their games.

I’m not suggesting additional time alone will solve stale gameplay, as it’s all up to the developers to create something new and fun. There are plenty of examples of sequels that blew chunks like the kid in Stand By Me hurling blueberry pie everywhere. Something must change soon before everything is as stale or strange as the burgers from BBBaB. 

What are your thoughts? Comment below!

The Near Perfect Hunt - Bloodborne

You wake up to some old creepy dude with cheap-ass linen eye patches calling you a "Paleblood," an "outsider" or some such nonsense. He rambles on about blood ministration, giving you Yharman blood, and a contract. A contract to what? Is it a Columbia House CD contract? YOU HAVE TO KNOW.

Before you can ask which is the free CD of the month, you've signed a contract giving away your four livers (and your soul of course), and there's a blood transfusion starting. You black out to the soothing sounds of TLC.

You wake up again. Or are you dreaming? Awake? Are you an extra in a Game of Thrones episode, and Ramsay Bolton is coming to cut off your penis? Again, before you can process anything A werewolf-like creature crawls out of a pool of blood and reaches for you like an addict reaching for its next fix. Before he gets to you, he's lit on fire. Yay! Then some little demon dudes start crawling on you, trying to make out with your skin. Gross! You pass out again.

You awaken again, in some sort of clinic. You wander around, searching for any explanation as to how you woke up in Tim Burton's guest house, but before you can ask anyone for directions, or what the Hell is going on, a werewolf kills you because you interrupted its blood cocktail hour.

Starbucks has really let itself go lately. 

And that's when the fucking weirdness begins. 

Bloodborne - a game created by From Software - is the result of an orgy between an action RPG, Nintendo-hard combat, Dracula's castle, and a story penned by HP Lovecraft (safe sex was practiced of course - body condoms for all!) You're a hunter in Yharnam, an ancient city that is known for having magical blood which heals any ailment. You have been tasked with killing beasts - humans who have become infected with the scourge - during the Night's Hunt. As you slay the scourged beasts and bosses, you start to piece together what happened to Yharnam.

From is famous for creating games that are ass-punchingly difficult with storylines that are minimal at first glance, and require the player to peel back the onion to see the whole picture. In this case, the story is mostly secondary, but it involves a shitload of depth. Every item you pick up has a story. Every location has a reason for existing. Meticulous story details are hidden in the world, and it's up to the player to find out what the fuck is going on.

Some people may be turned off by this type of simplistic storytelling, but I find it refreshing. So many video games throw the story at the player's face, like a child throwing cake on its first birthday. Diablo 3 - which I love for the gameplay - is guilty of this. Diablo - "I'm evil! HA HA HA!.. Well, you thwarted me this time, but you can't possibly win that either until... well, shit, can I just give you another evil laugh and call it a day? Cool. Thanks. See you in the next expansion!"

Compared to Dark Souls 3, I find Bloodborne's story to be more engaging. Dark Souls 3's story is essentially, "Hey, these lords need to be here to light the flame again! Go get them back or kill them, lol." There's little care for the areas you are traipsing through aside from a desire to get to the next area. This is not the case in Bloodborne. I wanted to know what happened to Yharnam. I wanted to know why there are multiple hunters in the game, most of them hostile toward you. I was excited to discover where the magical blood came from, and why it harmed the humans. The dude who thought humanity's transcendence required more eyes? Yeah, what was that about? The simple-on-the-surface storyline evolves as the player moves throughout the world.

Amway salespeople have really let themselves go. 

And what a world. Yharnam's gothic architecture sprawls out across the screen. Lanterns, yellow fog windows, broken and destroyed carriages, bonfires, everything is impressively planted to give an atmosphere of a city gone to shit. The game also does a fantastic job of having wide open areas paired with sewers and narrow hallways, providing a varying array of locations within Yharnam to engage in the hunt. After getting sick of the city, You also get to wander through multiple woodlands filled with horrible creatures, and even nightmare areas filled monsters with four ballsacks on their legs. I already wrote a blog about the game's atmosphere, so I won't cover that here (read that post here.)

Dat atmosphere doe.

The game's combat system provides players a wonderful way to kill said ballsack-laden creatures. You get a gun (yay!) that doesn't do a great deal of damage (boo!), but allows you to riposte enemies (huh?). When quatro ballsack boy is about to attack you, you shoot him, stun him, and pull off a visceral attack, which is bloody fun (literally). The game's offerings for weapons is fairly small, but the weapons all act in different ways. Each weapon also has a secondary function. That cane you're using to beat people off your lawn like an old person? It's also a whip! That gigantic hammer that you flail around like Thor? Also has a short sword function in it! Neat! You can also upgrade weapons with blood shards/stone thingies you find around the game. You can also load gems in them, so that's also pretty spiffy.

"WANT SOME ESSENTIAL OILS?" "Why no, no I do not."

Speaking of spiffy, the game's armor is generally cosmetic, but it is some impressive looking threads you get to wear. There's a reason they call the game Fashionborne. That's not to suggest the different stats aren't important. There's this fucking level with a hosebeast of a baddie who keeps shining a light down, from an awful tower, triggering your character's frenzy (we'll get to what frenzy is shortly). Sure, I looked like a Goodwill Hunter, but the gear had extra frenzy resist. Saved my ass. Interestingly enough, certain armor sets change the way some NPCs react to you, so go run around and chat up the local populace in various clothes, and see what happens!

What an awful prank, to superglue that broken
grammarphone to his head.

So what about game mechanics? You know, the RPG stuff? Well, you have health. You also have Insight, which initially doesn't make much sense, but it's what's used to go into some awesome dungeons and buy stuff. Slain enemies give you blood echoes, which you use to buy more stuff. When you die, you lose your blood echoes and you have to get back to where you died to get them back. You die on the way to get your blood echoes back? TOO BAD. FUCK YOU. Lost em all. There's lanterns spread throughout the game which act as checkpoints. You have the standard health potions. When certain enemies hit you, you can rally by attacking them back quickly, and get some of your health back. This doesn't work for all enemies, so don't count on it to save your ass every time.  There's a safe house of sorts called the Hunter's Dream, where there's a human-size doll (which the game suggests has been used like a sex doll - creepy). Most of the mechanics are pretty standard fare for an action RPG.

So, I like the combat, the story, the atmosphere, and the mechanics, but there are some nitpicks to be picked. The first is pretty egregious. Your health potions aren't infinite, and also don't recharge after death. So, let's say you ran into a nasty boss with sixteen penis noses, and penis nose dude kills you repeatedly. Well, you just went through your forty health potions, sucker! You can always buy more, but if you've lost your blood echoes, well, FUCK YOU AGAIN. You have to go to a lower level part of the game and farm for health potions.

The lanterns are also annoying, because they aren't connected to each other. You use a lantern in Central Yharnam, the only place you're going is to the Hunter's Dream. This creates some groin-grabbingly annoying delays when you're trying to hop around from one area to another.

I'm not one to finish games (I'd like to apologize to Skyrim, Oblivion, Fallout 3, Fallout 4, and many others for my failure), so it speaks volumes when I complete a game. And I immediately wanted to play through the game again to get the different endings, and play the expansion. The game's brutal difficulty makes the victories that much more rewarding, and the game rewards patient players with a fascinating storyline that feeds off the game's atmosphere and creatures. If you own a PS4, you have to try this game.

Or not. Do whatever the fuck you want to do.

Why Atmosphere Matters in Games

Think back to the classic games of your childhood. Metroid. The Legend of Zelda. Super Mario Bros. Sonic the Hedgehog. E.T. These games (with the glaring exception of E.T.) won you over with crystal-perfect gameplay and solid world design. Really, that's all that was needed back then to build a fantastic game. I mean, come on, music and sounds were all completed by the only guy they knew who could play a keyboard. There were maybe twenty people who worked on the game. It was a much simpler time back then.

Fast forward twenty or thirty years. Games like Grand Theft Auto V, Assassin's Creed, Bloodborne and Dark Souls 3. These games have budgets that make small island countries jealous. With that budget (and leap forward in technology), gameplay and world design are only small portions of what makes a fantastic game. The atmosphere matters for these titles, and in a number of ways, it almost matters as much as gameplay or story.

What do I mean by atmosphere? Well, I'll give you an example. Here is a screenshot of Bloodborne (side note - Bloodborne is one of the best games I've played in the last 10 years - probably since Metroid Prime).

"Hey guys, is this the newest Pokegym for Pokemon Go?" 

Look at the littered streets, the decaying landscape. A creature is being burned in effigy surrounded by torch-wielding creatures. The sky burns an unnatural orange. The flickering flames loudly pop in your ear, as one of the creatures drags an axe almost too heavy for it to carry, scraping across the ground. As your character approaches, the scene's terror almost makes you smell the burning flesh. There is a tremendous sense of the unknown here, and you feel it, thanks to atmospheric game design at its best.

Grand Theft Auto is another prime example. As you walk through the city, people walk by chatting on their phones about useless shit. Billboards and advertisements are everywhere, bombarding you with a faux Los Angeles. The world itself pulls you in by making you feel like you are there, living the life of a Californian.

No Helmet? Dumbass.

Red Dead Redemption drew you in with a fantastic wild west setting. Assassin's Creed sets characters milling about in historical settings (though it's too bad they don't use the languages that would have been prevalent in those settings).

Video games thrive when the game's atmosphere and world are designed to draw the player in, and it makes sense that a poorly executed atmosphere can kill a game, regardless of its gameplay. Think about it. With movies, you're viewing another character's stories. Yeah, the world matters, but you're really along for the ride. When reading a book, it's all up to you to picture the character's surroundings, regardless of the author's style. With video games, you are the story. You are drawn into the world. The great game designers know the importance of atmosphere now more than ever.

That's not to suggest that atmosphere alone can save a game. The gameplay and story have to be appealing and fun as well. In this sense, Bloodborne and the Souls games are a tougher sell. Blooborne had some of the most fantastic combat I've ever had in a game, but the story was severely lacking, and it's not because it's not there - it is - but because it's not blatantly obvious. I would encourage any Bloodborne fan to watch this video

I'm sure there's nothing but sunshine and a unicorn this way.

 What other games have fantastic atmosphere?