Terminator: Dark Fate Review (Spoilers)

I'll be honest on this. I was burned out on Terminator movies. Terminator 3 was mediocre at best. Salvation was both a shit show and mediocre at the same time, and Genysis was just a godawful attempt to reboot the franchise.

So what about Dark Fate? Where does it place in the echelon of  Terminator films? Is it as bad as Genysis? As good as the first two? Or somewhere in the middle? The answer is of course complicated. But first, a small rant.

David Goyer Should Be Unemployed

I'd like to kick off my review with a hot take real fast. David Goyer should not be allowed to write anything anymore in Hollywood. Or at his local theater. Or do beat poetry. The only award he should ever be considered for is the 1st Annual Stanley Tucci Look-alike Contest held at the Saturn Private Club in Pasadena, CA on December 5th.

I mean, look at this track record.

So much awfulness. 

There are some decent movies in there, but overall his stench is covered up in a number of movies by solid directors (Guillermo delo Toro, Christopher Nolan), or he only offered story beats instead of the whole script (Johnathan Nolan wrote the script for The Dark Knight, for example).

David Goyer sucks, and yet he keeps getting writing gigs. He must have Epstein-levels of blackmail in Hollywood, because that's the only explanation for why he keeps getting hired. 

Okay, now that that's out of the way...

Out with the Old, In with the Old

Dark Fate has some tough shoes to fill. It attempts to reboot the franchise, essentially ignoring everything that happens after Terminator 2. It tried to find convergence with the old standbys of the franchise by bringing back Linda Hamilton and Schwarzenegger with a younger cast, a stronger Terminator, and an even more convoluted timeline (more on the timeline thing in a bit). 

Bringing back Sarah Connor and the T-800 is risky, but it mostly works as characters. Linda Hamilton is a complete badass. Schwarzenegger is Schwarzenegger as the retired Terminator Carl who decided to sell drapes and start a family of sorts, even if some of the comedy is forced. 

For the New Kids on the Block, Mackenzie Davis shines as Grace, an enhanced human sent from the future. Natalia Reyes is fine as Dani, the next savior of mankind. Gabriel Luna is okay as the new Terminator, but nothing more than that - mediocre. This has been a problem for every Terminator since 3. I get it's hard to replace both Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick, but there's no defining moment that sticks out for this new Terminator. We all remember the terror on Linda Hamilton's face as Schwarzenegger pulls the gun out of his jacket in 1, or carves out his eye in the bathroom. We all reminisce over Robert Patrick driving the semi-truck down the irrigation ditches, or when he wags the finger at John and Sarah Connor near the end of 2. There's nothing remarkable about Gabriel Luna's portrayal or character. 

"Hey man, good destruction! What say we go get a taco?"

As for the story, the basic premise is there's a new bad AI in Town - Legion - who has the same idea as Skynet (which doesn't exist in this timeline, but does because of - well shit, we will go into that shortly), which is to annihilate mankind's resistance by going back in time to kill their leader. Dani plays mankind's savior in this timeline. And just like that timeline, the new Terminator is defeated by a power core from a future Terminator sent back to protect them - though in this case it's not a Terminator, but Grace, the enhanced human. 

I agree with my wife on something that's bugging me about this basic recycled plotline. David Goyer (ugh) could have had Dani be a future scientist who helps create the enhanced humans, or a computer engineer who creates a virus that affects Legion's communication array, allowing humanity to do surprise attacks on Legion facilities. But no, it's the same "Gotta go kill mankind's future Jesus, lol" plotline. Combine that with recycling the kill method from Terminator 3, it's clear the writers weren't keen on going too bold with new ideas. 

Despite the flaws, I actually enjoyed this movie, and it is easily my third favorite Terminator movie. Remember though, the bar after 1 and 2 is very, very low. 

Hollywood, Jai Courtney isn't going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

I Am Legion?

Replacing Skynet with Legion was a bold move, but fails in its regard to make us fear for the future. Remember Kyle Reese in Terminator 1 going on and on about his experience and knowledge dealing with Skynet and the Terminators? You pick up on the dread he felt, the frenzy of his emotions as he tries to protect Sarah from Skynet. For as much as the Terminator is the bad guy, without Skynet there is no story. In 2, the plot is about destroying Skynet. We already understand why John, Sarah, and the T-800 need to do so thanks to the setup from 1. 

Legion has no build up. We don't know anything about Legion, aside from it's an AI gone rogue. The movie's future scenes offer nothing new in terms of enveloping us in the fear that our characters should face. Think back to Terminator 2 when Sarah dreams of nuclear armageddon. Remember how that affected her, leading her to try and kill Miles Dyson. That scene is missing in this movie. Legion is just a generic AI used in cyberwarfare. And.. that's about all we know about it. 

Skynet was something to fear. Legion is not, because we aren't provided a reason to fear it aside from the new Terminator. 

What Timeline is this? 

As for this movie's timeline... it doesn't make sense. I understand time traveling in movies can operate under their own rules, but having a Terminator that was already sent by Skynet to kill John Connor before Skynet is destroyed in 2, it's just a bullshit excuse (thanks Goyer) to bring back Schwarzenegger. Think about it. A Terminator from a future that doesn't exist anymore was sent back in time to kill John Connor after they had already destroyed Skynet. 

Wat. 

And this is my biggest beef with this movie. The blending of two separate futures into one story doesn't work, and feels forced. Hell, Legion calls its hunting machines Terminators. Why? Because naming them something else would be a different franchise! 

And I'm fine with the idea of creating a new AI. I'm okay with Linda Hamilton playing a role in its future. A storyline where she protects a future scientist that reminds her of her son (who died from cancer, or hell, is still alive) from a new human hunting robot would make for a great story. Maybe she failed in raising or protecting John after Skynet is destroyed, and sees Dani as a way to right her wrongs. 

But that's not what we got. Overall, the action was good. The special effects were good. But the plot and screenplay let this movie down. It could have been a fresh re-start for the franchise, but based on box office receipts, this movie will disappear like Carl's drape company. 

...At least until someone pays David Goyer more money to write another Terminator script. 

When Assholery and Video Games Collide - Untitled Goose Game

Like so many of you out there, when Goat Simulator was released, I bought it. An open world game where you play the role of an asshole goat in an open world. Want to go ram people out of their lawn chairs? Go right ahead. Go bleat your woes at the cars coming right at you full speed? Go nuts! Goat Simulator was a wacky way to let players act out their fantasy of being an asshole without the blood and violence found in games like GTAV.

This goat won Best Tongue Award of 2017

The problem with the game was a lack of depth. Eventually, games have to be fun for replay value and enjoyment. While Goat Simulator was fun for a few minutes, the lack of depth, goals, or direction meant the luster wore off quickly. Even in a game where you can be an asshole animal to all other inhabitants, it has to be fun beyond the novelty. Well, that and the beyond shitty graphics. 

Enter Untitled Goose Game. 

Created by developers House House (literally four people down in Australia), Untitled Goose Game gets this delicate balance right. Not only can you be a raging asshole causing problems for the inhabitants of Random Village, but the puzzles can be a real challenge. The puzzles, cute graphics, amusing sound effects, and hilarious moments, and overall insanity of being an asshole make it a game worth buying. 

"You broke this vase, you jackass! Not some goose!" 

What's a Goose to Do? 

You start the game innocently enough. You wander into a groundskeeper who is going about his day watering flowers and vegetables. In a matter of a few minutes you've stolen his radio, turned on his water, took away his keys and threw them in a lake, and if you're lucky, stole his hat. Oh, and you put together the items to make a wonderful picnic lunch. 

The gameplay mechanics are simple. Honk, run, bend down to pick up items, and spread your wings. It's how you use these these controls to win the day. Honking loudly tends to get the attention of any human in the vicinity, but the second you steal something and get caught, they come running. The humans are faster than you, which means you have to time your thefts/annoyances at the right time. 

A good example is trying to take the groundskeeper's rake. You can distract him by turning on the garden's water. While he has his back turned, take off with the rake. Or, throw something else in the near pond (like his keys). While he's fishing those out of the water, take off with that rake and hide it until he goes back in his garden. Or steal some carrots for the picnic. While he's getting those back, get that rake! 

"Given a chance, I will gut you like a fish." 

The hijinks continue well beyond the garden. You run into a kid who is terrified of geese, a shopkeeper who is smart enough to always have a broom nearby to sweep you away, a man who is simply trying to enjoy his newspaper and tea, and so on and so forth. Every human brings unique goals and situations that change up the formula just enough to keep it fresh. 

When Assholes Attack

There's also something endearing about playing the literal asshole of the animal kingdom. There are plenty of open world games where you can be an asshole, but it's not engaging beyond the shock value of throwing a sticky bomb on a beer truck and blowing a small hole in a city block. Beyond the act itself, the joy fades as quickly as your life when cops shoot you down.  

But not so as a goose. You are in the webbed virtual feet of nature's real life counterpart. You are the asshole nature intended. If geese were more nefarious, I bet your ass they would steal your rake. Why would a goose steal your rake? Fuck you, that's why.

Dealing with the goose beats dealing with MLM salespeople.

That's not to suggest the game is perfect. Compared to other puzzle games out there, Untitled Goose Game is pretty simple. It's a short game - no more than 3-4 hours at most. Not a single person has a gun in Random Village (so clearly Random Village is not in the United States). Seems like that'd be an easy way to take out an annoying goose. There's also no Canadian geese, which is disappointing. As annoying as regular geese are, Canadian geese arguably take the asshole cake. 

Is the game worth it? Yes. The last time I laughed and cackled so much playing a video game was while playing Portal 2. Is it perfect? No. But if you want to enact your fantasy/fetish of being a webbed bird honking at all passerby - or if you want a funny, cute puzzle game - this game is for you.