It is this statement, being proud, that brought me to blog about this, but I'll get back to that.
I have always struggled with my self image. Chances are that if/when I get down to my goal weight, I don't think I will ever be truly happy. This is something I have struggled with my entire life, and I don't think there is much that is going to change that. This is something I have grown to accept, and I just have to deal with it.
On top of that, I have always felt a great deal of guilt about gaining all the weight I did. It was pure laziness and bad habits on my part, like most people out there. I was not happy, and I used food as a means to deal with stress instead of going to the gym. I made some terrible mistakes that I am now trying to fix. I am not proud of who I was, and what I looked like. It is a mistake I will most likely always be trying to fix.
And this brings me back to the concept of being proud of someone for losing weight. In my case, my weight loss is a direct result of my mistakes. I take no pride in fixing those mistakes. None. It is simply something I have to do. When people mention to me how proud they are that I am losing weight, I have a hard time understanding why.
I suppose I should just shut up and say thanks, but when my mom said that I mentioned to her the reasons above. I got a little defensive, and I really can't pinpoint why.
Thankfully, as moms do, she responded with some sense. "You should be proud," she said with a hint of frustration in her voice, "because you are doing something that is difficult, because you are doing something I can't."
Okay, that I get. It isn't easy to go to the gym 3-5 times a week and sweat your ass off on the treadmill doing intervals, or pushing dumbbells until you can't possibly push them anymore. It isn't easy to count calories, to avoid restaurants, and not drink any beer. It's not easy to be around candy, and chips, and not have a desire to eat any. So I get that, and that I guess is something I should be proud of as I continue my quest to get down to my goal weight of 210.
What I don't get, and what I refuse to believe, is the idea that people can't do this. Anyone can lose weight. Anyone can fix a mistake they made. What it takes is the drive and motivation to tell yourself, "God dammit! I'm sick of looking in the mirror and being reminded of the mistakes I have made!" And then you go make changes to your life to fix it.
Now that moment of clarity isn't easy. You have to be at a very low point to admit it. But hitting bottom means you have an opportunity to climb back up.
All you have to do is admit your mistakes, and then go about fixing them.
Oh, and I will be proud of my situation once the mistakes I have made are fixed. Until then, just tell me to keep plugging away at it. Eventually all of us who are on the same journey will see each other at the path's end, enjoying a beer in congratulations.
EDIT: I realize I actually come off as a bit hypocritical. I guess what I think is that there isn't any real sense of pride to be had until you get down to the weight you want to get down to. Everything up until then is just fixing mistakes.
EDIT: I realize I actually come off as a bit hypocritical. I guess what I think is that there isn't any real sense of pride to be had until you get down to the weight you want to get down to. Everything up until then is just fixing mistakes.
